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| Off-Kilter

Churchgoers Don't Have a Prayer of Escaping These Practical Jokes

March 17, 2000|ROY RIVENBURG

Jokes for Jesus Bureau: Theologians often claim God has a great sense of humor, but the only evidence they can produce is the duck-billed platypus, the armadillo and Bob Jones University.

Here at Off-Kilter, we hope to fill this comedy void with a new line of products for the Christian practical joker. Our consumer research department found a vast, untapped market for religious versions of joy buzzers, squirting neckties and other gag items.

In consultation with unpaid informant Ann Harrison, whom we intend to blame for today's column if it ever comes up on Judgment Day, Off-Kilter presents this catalog of merchandise:

Whoopee Pews

When unsuspecting parishioners take their seats at church, the whoopee pew emits noises better imagined than described!

* Whoopee Pew $129.75

Flaming Hot Communion


Slip some of these into the communion dish and watch the fireworks. Looks like the real thing but makes eyes water and throat burn.

* Awful Taste Joke Wafers $4.95


Talk With God Kit

Add life to your sermons! Increase collection revenues! Learn how to throw your voice into the choir loft, under the altar or into collection plates. Secrets of world-famous ventriloquists revealed in 32-page booklet. Kit also includes 50-foot-high, inflatable, glow-in-the-dark Jesus.

* Talk With God Kit $74.99

Dribble Chalice

Looks like an ordinary communion chalice, but wine drips through tiny holes when the goblet is tipped. Especially funny when used with super-hot communion wafers.

* Leaky Communion Cup $14.99

Shock Hymnals

When victim opens book, he or she gets a powerful but harmless electrical shock. Use over and over. Never fails to catch the suckers when left around.

* Electric Hymnal $9.99

Flypaper Bible

The Good Book you can't put down! Just like an ordinary Bible, but the pages are made from sticky flypaper.

* Trick Bible (King James Version only) $12.75

Surface-to-Pulpit Missiles

Pocket-sized projectiles can be launched from anywhere in church with amazing accuracy. Keep those sermons short and to the point with these tear-gas bombs.

* Pulpit Projectiles (set of six) $34.95

Unpaid Informants: Wittenburg Door. Off-Kilter's e-mail address is Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

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