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The Guy Chronciles

Musings Fit for Mid-March

March 22, 2000|CHRIS ERSKINE

Random thoughts--between ball games and chores--on a warm March afternoon:

Kathie Lee Gifford is a binge talker.

Utah coach Rick Majerus fills out a sweater farther than anyone since Jayne Mansfield.

In a perfect world, all phone calls last about seven seconds.

It's never too late for a prenuptial.

Mike Myers and Bill Murray should do a baseball movie together.

The more cooks, the stronger the family.

Katie Couric has the best smile on network TV.

Suddenly, the most-dominating athlete in any sport is Shaq, not Tiger. But it's close.

Gray sweatpants never really go out of style.

Best time of the week: Saturday morning.

Best sight in the world: a kid picking up a book.

When the road sign says "SPEED CHECKED BY RADAR," it's usually not.

The day the music really died: When Madonna rerecorded "American Pie" as something to dance to.

Best sight in the last week: the guy marching down 1st Street with a stand-up bass in the St. Patrick's Day parade.

Someday, I'd like to own a nice tow truck. And maybe a fire engine.

Watch out for the Cubs.

Watch out for the Lakers--for a long time.

Los Angeles has rarely needed a winning team the way it needs the Lakers right now.

Phil Jackson has a face like hundred-grit sandpaper. In the off-season, he should make a western.

Kobe Bryant needs only three steps to cross a basketball court. When he's in a hurry, two.

Go, Bruins.

L.A. needs more food and music festivals.

Every home is a time capsule.

No one ever went broke owning a gas station.

Mini-mall developers have done more harm to Southern California than graffiti artists ever could.

For some reason, the Academy Awards seemed better on Monday nights.

Billy Crystal will open Sunday night's show with a stolen Oscar gag.

The orphanage scenes in "The Cider House Rules" were like something out of a Dickens play. I wish the film had spent more time there.

Jude Law reminds me a little of Steve McQueen.

Kevin Spacey was terrific in "American Beauty." But he wore a business suit as if he'd never worn one in his life.

Video rental you shouldn't miss: "The Ref," starring Denis Leary.

The kids on the "SLOW CHILDREN" signs look like looters.

Nothing is ever what it used to be. Except the Angels.

My friend Irv will one day open a restaurant.

Coin-counting machines should be everywhere, including my car.

Rudolph Giuliani will win the Senate race because he's mean and brusque, which are the two qualities New Yorkers admire most.

Her sanctimonious manner is a little hard to take, but the Senate would be better off with Hillary.

In five years, floppy disks will be the size of quarters. You'll be able to program them as cash. Eventually they'll replace money.

If your car worked like your computer, you'd return it to the dealer.

Most kids, including my own, could use a few more chores.

Truest words anybody ever said: "They grow up so fast."

When a guest says, "I couldn't eat another bite," what they really mean is, "Can we have dessert now?"

In a pinch, the Sports section makes nice gift wrap.

If you breathe deeply, you can almost smell the Dodger Dogs beginning to grill.

The brightest object in the solar system is a teenager's smile.

Go, Lakers.

Chris Erskine's column is published on Wednesdays. His e-mail address is

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