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| LAUGH LINES

March 24, 2000

It's the Recognition: "One reporter asked [the suspects in the Oscar theft case] if they thought they would be convicted. And one of them said, 'It doesn't matter if we're convicted. It's an honor just to be arrested.' " (Jay Leno)

Death Watch: "Former President George Bush is reportedly trying to block Gen. Manuel Noriega's release from prison because he fears the former Panamanian strongman will try to kill him. Quite frankly, I don't really care, as long as there is no chance Dan Quayle can become president." (Craig Kilborn)

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The Essential

David Letterman

Top New NHL Slogans

10. "It's Like an Episode of 'Cops' on Ice!"

9. "See for Yourself What Canadian Blood Looks Like."

8. "The 'H' Is for 'Hematoma.' "

6. "A Sport That Combines Your Two Favorite Things--Ice Skating and Head Trauma."

4. "Share the Excitement, or We'll Beat Your Brains in With a Piece of Wood."

3. "We Injure More People by 9 p.m. Than Pro Football Does All Year."

2. "Don't Worry, Kids--They're Just Saying 'Puck.' "

1. "He Shoots, He Scars."

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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