True Snooze: "The Academy Awards were so dull, I thought I was hosting." (David Letterman)
And the Winner Is: "Russians went to the voting booths in droves to elect their next leader, Vladimir Putin. Putin won a tight victory, narrowly beating out 'The Cider House Rules.' " (Craig Kilborn)
Case Closed: "Peter Benchley, author of the 1974 blockbuster 'Jaws,' said recently that if he had it to do all over again he would not write the book because it created undue fear of sharks. He said if he were to write another book about a 'conscious villain,' it would be titled 'Lawyers.' " (Jerry Perisho)
Breaking Out: "Health officials have announced that we are in the middle of a major outbreak of syphilis in Los Angeles. Or as we call it, 'March Madness!' " (Jay Leno)
