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Laugh Lines

May 08, 2000

Double Danger: "According to a new report, the deadliest occupation in the U.S. is cab driver. The next . . . is convenience store clerk. If you're a cab driver and thinking of getting a cup of coffee, don't go to 7-Eleven. You double your chances right there." (Jay Leno)

Add It Up: "There are 2 million Americans in some sort of jail or prison. . . . That's about one in every 100,000 adults. You'd think they'd get John and Patsy Ramsey just by accident." (Bill Maher)


The Essential David Letterman

Top Signs the Cast of 'Cats'

Just Doesn't Give a Damn

10. "So many actors calling in sick, name of the show is 'Cat.' "

9. "The 8 p.m. show starts at 5:45 so they can get home for 'Jeopardy.' "

6. "Drunken Rum Tug Tugger brags about 'marking territory in coat-check room.' "

4. "New lyric to 'Memory': 'Midnight and the blah, blah, blah.' "

3. "P.A. announcement: 'Mr. Mistoffelees will be played by guy who just delivered my egg salad sandwich.' "

1. "New slogan: 'Cats'--Now and . . . Well, Until June."

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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