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Laugh Lines

May 08, 2000

Double Danger: "According to a new report, the deadliest occupation in the U.S. is cab driver. The next . . . is convenience store clerk. If you're a cab driver and thinking of getting a cup of coffee, don't go to 7-Eleven. You double your chances right there." (Jay Leno)

Add It Up: "There are 2 million Americans in some sort of jail or prison. . . . That's about one in every 100,000 adults. You'd think they'd get John and Patsy Ramsey just by accident." (Bill Maher)

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The Essential David Letterman

Top Signs the Cast of 'Cats'

Just Doesn't Give a Damn

10. "So many actors calling in sick, name of the show is 'Cat.' "

9. "The 8 p.m. show starts at 5:45 so they can get home for 'Jeopardy.' "

6. "Drunken Rum Tug Tugger brags about 'marking territory in coat-check room.' "

4. "New lyric to 'Memory': 'Midnight and the blah, blah, blah.' "

3. "P.A. announcement: 'Mr. Mistoffelees will be played by guy who just delivered my egg salad sandwich.' "

1. "New slogan: 'Cats'--Now and . . . Well, Until June."

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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