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Laugh Lines

May 10, 2000

Praise Patrol: "Police in a Massachusetts town are pulling motorists over to praise them when they notice courteous driving. Town officials say they are doing this because nothing says thank you like having your time wasted by a cop." (Conan O'Brien)

Warrior at Heart: " 'Gladiator' is a massive hit starring Russell Crowe. He plays a warrior who destroys all his enemies with his bare hands and overthrows the empire. That's not a movie. That's John McCain's list of things to do today." (Argus Hamilton)

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The Essential David Letterman

Top Jockey Pet Peeves

10. "Every time you undress, wife shouts, 'Aaaand they're off!' "

9. "Not one laundry detergent promises to remove horse stink."

6. "When you spend your whole life around horses, you can't help but feel a little . . . inferior."

5. "Chafing."

4. "No one wants to be the guy riding a horse named Fair Lady of the Tulips."

3. "Nagging fear if you sprain your ankle, they might shoot you."

1. "Too much mint, not enough julep."

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Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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