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Laugh Lines

May 14, 2000

Special Delivery: "A Georgetown University student was recently arrested for stealing a Domino's Pizza delivery car. On the bright side, if he isn't brought to jail in less than 30 minutes, he's free." (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Dress to Impress: "Regis [Philbin] is now coming out with his own line of menswear. These are going to be the bestselling clothes in history, I predict. . . . You ever see the clothes he wears on ['Who Wants to Be a Millionaire']? The shirts are always the same color as the tie. Guys will love this. It's idiot-proof. . . . Now you don't have to say to your wife or girlfriend, 'Does this go with this?' We can now dress ourselves!" (Jay Leno)

Sweet High: "Because of plummeting stock prices, Coca-Cola is trying to boost employee morale by closing early on Friday afternoons and adding a paid holiday. A spokesman for the company said if that doesn't work, [the company] is going to put cocaine back into the cola." (Conan O'Brien)

Miss Perfect: "A Georgia teen has stunned her high school by receiving a perfect score of 1600 on her SATs. The perfect student will eventually receive the prize America has to offer all its geniuses: a $20,000-a-year job as a college professor." (Craig Kilborn)

Vows and Values: On Newt Gingrich's upcoming third marriage: "That's what the Republicans mean by family values. You marry the mistress you were cheating with." (Leno)

A Step Up: "Vladimir Putin was sworn in as Russia's second . . . president . . . an event that raised the national spirit in Russia from morose to gloomy." (Jon Stewart)

Send us a line: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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