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Laugh Lines

May 16, 2000

Presidential Pose: "Former Presidents Carter and Ford joined President Clinton at the White House. Did you see the three of them . . . standing together? It looked like the Kmart version of Mt. Rushmore." (Jay Leno)

A Little Undecided: "Mayor Giuliani admitted to an affair with a staffer in 1999. He made up with his wife . . . then decided he loves a third woman. It sounds like we've got the wrong Republican doing commercials for Viagra." (Argus Hamilton)

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The Essential David Letterman

Top Signs Your Husband Has Secretly Won the Lottery

9. He tells you, "I'm going to my South Pacific island . . . I mean, the store."

7. He traded in the family station wagon for a Boeing 707.

6. Renamed his dog "1, 2, 4, 12, 33, 37."

5. Darva Conger arrives with luggage and says, "You must be the old wife."

4. His new American Express card is a color you've never even heard of.

2. Calls his boss from next room; all you can make out is, " . . . Millionaire . . . quit . . . shove . . ."

1. On Priceline.com, buys William Shatner.

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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