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The Guy Chronicles

The Smell of Singed Pumpkin and Other Seasonal Reflections

November 01, 2000|Chris Erskine

Random thoughts on a terrific autumn day:

--Youth is wasted on the young.

--Wealth is wasted on the rich.

--France is wasted on the French.

--If the Electoral College is so great, how come it doesn't have a football team?

--Everyone looks better by candlelight.

--New York? Never heard of it.

--Dennis Miller's mouth needs a surge suppressor.

--Joe Torre is the kind of manager Dr. Seuss would've drawn.

--Southern California is having an unusually early fall.

--Remember when a Timex watch was all the personal technology you needed?

--Favorite line from the late Steve Allen (from his early days as a disc jockey): "I have the final score for you on the big game between Harvard and William and Mary. It is: Harvard 14, William 12, Mary 6."

--On KROQ, Kevin sounds just like Bean, and Bean sounds just like Kevin.

--A belated happy birthday to Bill Gates, who turned 45 on Saturday. I hope he got what he wanted.

--Unlike most child actors, Haley Joel Osment is an actual prodigy.

--Is there some sort of election coming up?

--Some Christmas, Mattel will produce a Furby-Barbie Doll, a hairy little woman with battery-operated eyes.

--Nobody blocks punts anymore.

--Pro football should allow one foot inbounds on pass receptions, just like in college.

--A book true fans shouldn't miss: "Baseball Letters," by Seth Swirsky, on his notes back and forth with some of the game's biggest names.

--Another gift suggestion for the holidays: mail-order meat.

--What happened to all the great linebackers?

--In California, ashtrays have become about as rare as spittoons.

--If Gore represents Harvard and Bush represents Yale, I think I'm sending the kids to Cal State Northridge.

--Sports' most-untouchable record: DiMaggio's 56-game hitting streak.

--Sports' second-most untouchable record: Three Dodger dogs in two minutes. (My friend Irv, Aug. 20, 1998.)

--I have witnesses.

--More and more, free agency is ruining good marriages.

--Best smell of fall: when the candle burns down and singes the pumpkin.

--Philip Seymour Hoffman is the best actor working today.

--Miss "Seinfeld"? Check out Larry David's quirky "Curb Your Enthusiasm" Sundays on HBO.

--Eventually, I hope Bill Clinton does something with his life.

--Orange juice is best served over ice.

--Yellow is the best color for a house.

--The team with the better quarterback almost always wins.

--The next Cold War will be over microchips, not missiles.

--Beefalo burgers? You're kidding. Beefalo burgers?

--The best basketball games take place in driveways or playgrounds, right about sundown.

--Parents worried about inappropriate TV shows should just turn the darned thing off.

--Beware of any movie hyped as much as "The Grinch."

--Too many people take zippers for granted.

--Where would we be today without drum majors?

--Stat I can't forget: Sports Illustrated reports that there's a high school football player in New Jersey who stands 6 foot 10 and weighs 517 pounds.

--Within 10 years, there'll be a player who breaks the 1,000-pound mark. And every chair he sits in.

--HBO is quickly becoming the only entertainment network worth watching.

--Laker assistant coach Tex Winter should have his own TV show.

--Nothing is more dazzling than a teenager's smile.

--The new "Charlie's Angels" doesn't compare to the original version. Except for Bill Murray.

--There is no better alarm clock than a pan of simmering bacon.

--Tough job: Being a teacher on the day after Halloween.

--Frank Gehry's buildings look like the kind of stuff I built with Tupperware lids when I was 7.

--The California Speedway is the region's most impressive sports facility.

--Who really needs speedways when you have the 405?



Chris Erskine's column is published on Wednesdays. His e-mail address is

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