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As our latest bout of electoral mudslinging draws to a close, be grateful for the campaign spots you never got to see. Off the Trail


With the clock ticking down on the presidential race, the traditional onslaught of mudslinging is virtually over. We know you're so disappointed.

The most venomous exchange occurred over the weekend, according to unreliable sources, when Al Gore accused George W. Bush of having ring around the collar, the heartbreak of psoriasis and a "waxy buildup." The Texas governor fired back with a TV spot in which he declared, "I'm rubber, and you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you."

It could've been worse. The Times has obtained copies of 10 attack ads that wound up on the cutting-room floor. Remember: With computer technology, both campaigns could show either candidate doing anything, any time, anywhere.


Vote Oily, Vote Often

Music: "America, the Beautiful."

The Scene: The Oval Office. Bush stands behind the desk. "Good evening. During the campaign, I promised the American people I would reduce our dependence on foreign oil. I intend to keep that promise. (Camera pulls back to show oil derricks furiously pumping on the White House lawn.) I've declared Alaska a free-drill zone. I'm encouraging full exploration in any state that went for Gore. Also, I feel in my bones that the Mall in Washington is home to one of the largest oil reserves in North America. I can't be sure, but it's worth a dig."

Voice-over: "Once an oil man, always an oil man."

Ventriloquism Act

Music: "Promises, Promises."

The Scene: The Bush camp redubs a Gore stump speech.

Gore: "I will fight for you. I will legalize the selling of drugs to minors, I will use your Social Security money to bet the horses, and I will list Bigfoot as an endangered species.

Think Again

Music: Soft classical.

The Scene: A montage of black-and-white photos, a la Apple's Macintosh commercial: Clarence Thomas, Charlton Heston, Elmer Fudd, Jethro Bodine, Col. Klink, Bozo the Clown, George W. Bush.

Voice-over: "Think different?"

Go See Al

Music: Theme from Cal Worthington commercials.

The Scene: Gore prowling a used-car lot, wearing a cowboy hat and accompanied by his attack dog, Joe "Spot" Lieberman.

Voice-over: "If you wanna lose your guns, go see Al. If you wanna bust the budget, go see Al. If you want a welfare state, and more soldiers that aren't straight, go see Al, go see Al, go see Al."

Stupid Is as . . .

Music: "Pomp and Circumstance."

The Scene: A school classroom. A teenage boy--similar in appearance to the banjo player from "Deliverance"--sits at a desk, speaking haltingly. "My name Billie Bob Lone Star. I got three teeth in my head. Before Dubya was president of Texas, I was stoopid. But Dubya help me read real good and now I smart and good to work baling hay. Thank you, Dubya."

Voice-over: "Behold the Texas Education Miracle!"

Cueball Head

Music: Theme song from "Kojak."

The Scene: Unflattering photos of the top of Gore's head are interspersed with shots of Dr. Evil, Lex Luthor and other bald villains.

Voice-over: "Is there a correlation between male pattern baldness and criminal behavior? Why take chances? Elect a leader with a full head of hair."

Gore on Bush

No music. Just a close-up of Gore talking directly to camera.

"George W. Bush. Daddy's boy. Mama's boy. Silver Spoon boy. Frat boy. Big oil boy. Malaprop boy. Boy George."

Bush on Gore

No music. Just a close-up of Bush talking directly to camera.

"Vice President Al Gore. Second fiddle. Second banana. Ed McMahon. No. 2. Numero dos. El Segundo. Plan B. Beta Male. Avis Rent-a-car. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Tipper wears the pants."

President Exxon

Music: The Platters' "The Great Pretender."

The Scene: Taking a cue from Ralph Nader's joke that Bush is a "corporation running for president disguised as a human being," scientists demonstrate that the DNA of Bush matches the DNA of Exxon.

Voice-over: "Medical proof. Bush really is a multinational conglomerate impersonating a human being."

Canine Chaos

Music: "Who Let the Dogs Out?"

The Scene: Gore is shown letting the dogs out.

Voice-over: "Now you know. Vote accordingly."


E-mail Martin Miller and Roy Rivenburg at

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