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Tony Kornheiser

Let the Games Begin: Raise Your Hand if You're Sick of These People

November 08, 2000|Tony Kornheiser

Let me tell you how a columnist gets his ideas. He reads the paper. He watches the news on TV. He listens to talk radio. He talks to his co-workers. Hour after hour, he wracks his brain for a good idea. A columnist will plumb any depths for an idea because a column is relentless. It never sleeps. It just swims and eats. Swims and eats.

That's a shark, stupid.

Oh.

Yes, writing a column is a terrifying process. You pace. You fret. The great sportswriter Red Smith once said: "Writing is easy. You just open a vein and bleed." Is there a column on the upcoming election? Is there a column on that pig that flew first-class? And then sometimes the gods are good. You're sitting around like a dope, with no column in your head, and suddenly an idea just comes to you.

Like: "Raise Your Hand if You're Sick of the Following People!"

Here's the one rule: You can't say Geraldo Rivera. I mean, like, duh. And clearly, we're all so sick of Al Gore and George W. Bush.

OK, let's play. Raise your hand if you're sick of the following people:

Anne Heche. Make up your mind, sweetheart.

Ann Curry. Pat O'Brien. You are so unctuous you give unct a bad name.

The McLaughlin Group. It's over. Sooooo over.

Spike Lee. Shut up, just shut up.

Chris Matthews. Another word, I rip your tongue out.

Charlton Heston. I'm begging you. Go.

Bruce Willis. Sylvester Stallone. There's a van leaving for the dog track. Be on it.

Marcel Marceau. He has nothing to say to me.

Matthew Lesko. Here's some free money to change your life. Now get lost.

Fran Drescher. Oh, I'm sorry, you're already gone.

Ricky Martin. Same with you, pal. Living la vida gone-za.

Cher. You're scary-looking now. It's like Halloween every day.

Baha Men. Now that the dogs were let out, I hope they bite these guys.

Will and Grace. It's just not cute anymore.

Sir Paul McCartney. It's painful what a dork you grew into.

Niles and Daphne. There's a van leaving for the dog track. Be under it.

Regis. Sad, but true. You have worn out your welcome. You are making Kathie Lee look good.

Kathie Lee. Ah, but not that good.

All the Baldwin brothers. It's almost tempting to vote for Bush because Alec said he would move out of the country if Bush is elected. (Can Kim stay, though? Please.)

The hideous little girl in the Pepsi commercial.

Tony Soprano. Stop whining and whack these people already, then go and run the mob, fat boy.

Dharma and Greg. Especially Dharma. It's a situation comedy, and neither the situation nor you is funny.

Madeleine Albright. Enough already. No. Forgive me. Way more than enough.

Meredith Vieira. You go, girl. The farther, the better.

Bono. You, meeting with world leaders? Who are you kidding?

Oprah. "O" magazine? You don't think this is over the line? What's next, "Oprah burgers"?

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Stop kissing in public. Get a motel room.

Deepak Chopra. You are getting very sleepy.

Michael Richards. How do I put this gently? Get out.

Dr. Laura. Puhleeeze.

Jennifer Aniston. Now she married Brad Pitt, so we have to see her twice as often.

Rosie O'Donnell. You can't host everything.

Tony Danza. This is so obvious, it's nearly a violation of the Geraldo rule.

John Travolta. No, really, get out.

Norm MacDonald. I throw away food that's funnier than this guy.

Emeril. Wham. Bam. Scram.

Tony Kornheiser. Put a sock in it.

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