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Laugh Lines

November 12, 2000

Read All About It: "Al Gore has just published a new book, called 'Bringing Prosperity Home.' It's 153 pages. . . . Imagine Al Gore in book form. How boring is that?!" (Jay Leno)

Unwanted: "The producers of 'Live With Regis' are banning Kathie Lee Gifford from the show . . . saying they don't want her to distract from the search for a replacement. They won't even air commercials for her new album. Of course, they're doing that as a public service." (Daily Scoop)

Just the Way He Is: "The officer who arrested George W. Bush [for drunk driving in 1976] is now retired. He was on the news the other night, and he said that when he arrested Bush, he was slurring his words, he was incoherent and he wasn't making any sense. . . . That doesn't mean he was drunk. He's like that all the time!" (Leno)

A Puffer's Delight: "A survey shows Nevada has the highest rate of smokers. I believe it. The rest of the country's restaurants have sections that allow smoking. Las Vegas' restaurants feature sections that require smoking." (Alex Kaseberg)

Gearing Up for the Race: "Darryl Strawberry told a judge that life isn't worth living. He's had a DUI, denied drug problems, made up stories about himself and taken illegal cash. There is nothing left for him to do except run for president in 2004." (Argus Hamilton)

Breaking His Fall: "Secret Service [recently] arrested a guy who jumped a fence at the White House; the guy climbed a 14-foot-tall fence and jumped off. Luckily, because it was the White House, he landed on a big pile of soft money, so he wasn't injured." (Leno)


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