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Commentary

Why Choose? We Can Have 2 for the Price of 1

November 17, 2000|RALPH COHEN | Ralph Cohen is a freelance corporate speech writer

Jan. 31, 2001, e-mail from a White House intern:

Mom, you wouldn't believe it. No sooner did I finish all the photocopies that Mr. Gore wanted than Mr. Bush comes in and says I should have gotten him coffee. It's really getting to be a drag. I mean, they both act like I'm invisible unless they want something. I tried to get their attention the other day by wearing a short skirt and a tight blouse, but Mr. Gore just ran the other way, and Mr. Bush closed his eyes and covered his ears and started humming real loud "The Yellow Rose of Texas." And you should hear what they say on the phone! Mr. Gore's always talking to people about money, but Mr. Bush just likes to pal around, mostly about baseball, though I guess that has something to do with money too.

Tipper doesn't like me too much. She says Eminem is not music, and she doesn't want to hear me playing it in the office, but Laura's OK. Last night we baked cookies together and sang camp songs. In the East Wing, that is. The Gores have taken over the West Wing, though Laura says they have to move out sooner or later because of zoning restrictions or something.

Feb. 6, 2001, Washington Post:

Confusion reigned in Washington yesterday over which budget proposal Congress would consider. Competing versions were introduced on Monday by the two administrations. Although they take widely different approaches, the budget proposals have one element in common: Each would spend the anticipated federal surplus nearly five times over.

April 4, 2001, Associated Press:

The championship UCLA basketball players put the best face on a difficult situation regarding the controversy over who would receive them at the White House. "We're used to taking pictures with more than one coach," team captain Earl Watson remarked, "so it's no big deal."

In accordance with the agreement reached on Tuesday, President Gore shot a few rounds with the players, and afterward President Bush chugged a few beers--root beer, of course.

May 11, 2001, Reuters:

JERUSALEM--With two U.S. presidents overseeing negotiations, progress finally is being made between the Israelis and Palestinians. Apparently, Presidents Gore/Bush have decided to play good cop-bad cop. They refuse to say who is playing which role.

"I tell them I'm going to put them in a Texas squeeze," President Bush said, "and I let them interpret that however they want." Meanwhile, President Gore said, "You know, I just have to share with them the story about Tennessee moonshine and that gets their attention."

Jan. 4, 2002, Los Angeles Times:

This week in Moscow, President Gore assured Russian President Vladimir V. Putin that he would not support a missile defense system for the U.S., even though President Bush is pushing such a system through Congress.

Meanwhile, in Taiwan, President Bush said he would throw the full support of the American military behind the embattled Taiwanese president, whom he misnamed. The gaffe appeared to defuse a potentially explosive situation in Beijing, where Gore last week came down first as a hawk, then as a dove in regards to the Taiwan issue.

Nov. 22, 2002, Wall Street Journal:

Tempers continue to flare between the two first families after the official White House ceremony that introduced the Thanksgiving turkey. President Gore is rumored to have said, referring to President Bush, "That's the first thing he's pardoned in 10 years."

Bush allegedly retorted, "Who's snippy now?"

March 21, 2004, official announcement from the Registrar of Voters:

Due to the fact that the government currently has two incumbents who are eligible for reelection, President Gore shall be designated the incumbentor on the 2004 ballot in accordance with his participation in the previous uni-presidential administration, and President Bush shall be designated the incumbentee.

May 8, 2004, Newsweek:

The long-running search to replace the vacancy on the U.S. Supreme Court is apparently close to an end. Wonks in the Beltway are predicting that Presidents Bush/Gore will consent to the appointment of conjoined twins who share a chair, literally, at Hastings Law School. Fittingly, one twin is pro-choice, the other is anti-abortion.

June 7, 2004, New York Times:

The Green Party made it official yesterday: It will run jointly with the Reform Party.

"If the established parties can share power, then we can do no worse," Ralph Nader said. Ross Perot added, "Just give me five minutes a week, and I'll remake this country."

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