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Laugh Lines

October 12, 2000

Seeing Green: "Wal-Mart is coming out with its own brand of wine. It's environmentally friendly. . . . You have the choice of either paper or plastic bag to sit at the curb and drink it out of." (Jay Leno)

Heart Strings: "Al Gore . . . said . . . he met a man living in Florida who has to travel to Canada for his prescription drugs. . . . So now, George W. Bush hears this story and he is thinking, 'I need a heartbreaking story [too].' So he said that Dick Cheney has to send an oil company jet to Toronto to pick up his heart medicine." (David Letterman)

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The Essential David Letterman

Top Things That Will

Get You Kicked Out

of the Country Music Awards

10. Wearing a belt buckle smaller than a toaster.

9. Failing to use the word "dagnabbit" in acceptance speech.

8. Saying words, "And now, a song written by David Letterman."

7. Not knowing when to hold 'em, when to fold 'em, when to walk away, or when to run.

5. Converting to metric, referring to your 10-gallon hat as 37.9 liters.

3. Repeatedly pronouncing "honky-tonk" as "donkey kong."

1. Misspelling "CMA."

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Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, 90012.

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