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Tony Kornheiser

Next to March: Representatives of the Million Millionaires for Bush

October 25, 2000|Tony Kornheiser

We have now seen the Million Man March, the Million Woman March, the Million Mom March and the Million Family March, each of which attracted sequentially fewer marchers; last week's Million Family March was only attended by "tens of thousands." Clearly it's time for something new.

I propose a Million Millionaire March.

Generally, the Million Millionaire March will be the same as previous marches: Marchers will agitate for social, economic and political change. (Also spare change; you don't get to be a millionaire by ignoring financial opportunities.)

The twist is that the Million Millionaires will not march themselves, because, well, you know--it takes hours. You're outdoors, you can catch a cold, maybe get a rash, and the catering is notoriously unreliable.

So the Million Millionaires will hire people to march for them.

What, you were expecting a large group of millionaires to mill around until somebody tells them, "OK, the bus for the march is boarding now"? The bus? I think not.

The hired marchers (known as "The Littles") will ride the bus to the staging area, then carry placards exhorting politicians to pay attention to things that really matter, such as:

* tax abatements for country clubs;

* vineyard development zones;

* troop deployment in guardhouses of gated communities;

* government subsidized concierge services;

* an immediate crackdown on marches by poor people.


Obviously, all millionaires are voting for Bush, because if there's anything we've learned from these hideous debates, it's that every single thing Bush proposes benefits only the rich. If Bush is elected, the rich will get stickers for their cars and wallets identifying them as "Rich Person. Do Not Mess With Me."

Speaking of Bush, how about last week's debate with Gore?

The next day I watched some dopes who claimed to still be undecided--I guess they think this makes them appear thoughtful, as opposed to brain-dead--and they said they were now leaning to Bush. They thought Bush won the debate!

Won it? He can't even spell it.

So I went to one of the country's leading pollsters and asked how it was possible that people could think Bush won this debate. I mean, even if you think Gore is the most condescending scold on the face of the earth--a guy who makes Geraldo Rivera look like Gandhi--surely you'd think he had a better grasp of facts than Bush, who could barely remember that Canada wasn't one of the original colonies.

"The bar is lower for Bush than it is for Gore," he told me. "Bush doesn't have to know anything about foreign or domestic policy. For most people, it's good enough that Bush doesn't appear to be intoxicated during the debate."

In devoting himself to a constituency of millionaires, Bush has identified a new majority. Any idiot can be a millionaire these days. I believe even I could have become a millionaire if not for Al, my day-trader friend.


About a year ago, Al put me into a high-tech stock he said couldn't miss. I bought it at 28, and expected it to fund my retirement. Anyway, last week Al called and said, "I really think it's about to take off. But the market has been bad, and the stock is sort of depressed now. I really think you ought to seize this opportunity to buy more."

"What do you mean by depressed?" I asked.

"Well, when it gets to 2, you should buy," Al said.

"When is it going to get to 2?" I asked.

"In about five minutes. It's 2 1/16 now."

Excuse me, I have to go now. My bus is boarding.

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