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Laugh Lines

September 24, 2000

Fielding Questions: "Hillary Clinton debated her Senate opponent, Rick Lazio. They asked Hillary some pretty tough questions. One that really stumped her was . . . 'So, do you know where your husband is right now?' " (Jay Leno)

Your Attention, Please: "An article in this month's Vanity Fair speculates that George W. Bush may suffer from attention deficit disorder. The article also speculates that if Al Gore is elected, we'll all suffer attention deficit disorder." (Conan O'Brien)

He Who Wears Many Hats: "Mike Tyson held a press conference, and he just went nuts. He called himself 'an animal,' and then he called himself a 'loving father,' and then a 'semi-good husband' who hasn't slept with his wife in a long time. I think he was reading one of Clinton's old speeches, if I'm not mistaken." (Leno)

The Essential David Letterman

Top Things You Don't Want to Hear From Your New College Roommate

10. "I'm studying viruses . . . wanna see my West Nile Mosquitoes?"

8. "Good news! Everything we do will be broadcast live on the Internet."

7. "Sorry this plastic bubble I live in takes up so much space."

4. "Me no like roommate. Me wait till roommate sleeps, then no more roommate."

3. "We can conserve water if we shower together."

2. "Can my dad crash with us after Gore kicks his [behind] in November?"

1. "Anne Heche is wandering around your bedroom."


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