Monkeying Around With Sequel Ideas

Tim Burton's "Planet of the Apes" set a box office record as the biggest non-holiday movie opening ever. Considering the 1968 version spawned four sequels, a television show and plenty of merchandising schemes, there's no telling what the latest band of apes might loose upon the world. But since nature abhors a hit movie with no sequel, here's what we anticipate:

"Metamorphosis on the Planet of the Apes." A depressed middle-class man wakes up one morning in an ape suit--and it won't unzip! The film is a heartbreaking look at the shameful way humans treat other humans trapped inside monkey suits. The poignancy is enhanced all the more when the film's hero declares, "It's a madhouse!" at the conclusion of each scene, even those in which he's not featured. Surprise ending: The "humans" all unzip their costumes to reveal their true selves--apes!

"Underneath the Planet Beneath the Planet of the Apes." As James Franciscus hides from the apes and the bomb-worshiping mind-control mutants, a whole new world exists underneath them! In this world, the apes are super-polite, recycle and welcome astronaut Haley Joel Osment with open--albeit hairy--arms. The film is meant to be an allegory showing that fictional apes can get along with overpaid underage actors. Surprise ending: The morons upstairs with the unsightly bulging cranial veins blow up the world!

"Around the Corner From the Planet of the Apes." Just before the world explodes, Mark Wahlberg stumbles upon a spaceship and skedaddles off the ape-dominated planet. In space travel, he gets caught in a time warp--as so often happens--and is plunked back to Earth circa 2001 where he buys a ticket to Burton's "Planet of the Apes." Wahlberg is mesmerized by his gigantic image on screen and at film's end gives himself a standing ovation. Surprise ending: Wahlberg screams, "It's a madhouse!"

"The Planet of the Apes and Gary Condit." Desperate to escape the media hordes, the California congressman gladly jumps aboard an experimental spacecraft and lands--guess where? Gorillas find the congressman's capsule, rip it open and throw Condit around like a rag doll for 83 minutes. Surprise ending: The apes stop throwing Condit around long enough to lay him flat and jump up and down on him for another two minutes.