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L.A. at Large

Now Entering X-treme Era (Headgear Required)


The XFL, the new smash-mouth-ear-nose-and-throat football league, debuted to surprisingly strong ratings. Its success is already fueling speculation that the league's formula of violence, gloating and extreme cheerleader anatomy will soon influence all areas of American culture.

Here are some of the copycat ideas being considered:


Much as the XFL modified NFL rules to outlaw the "fair catch," the XBA will immediately implement the "no blood, no foul" guideline for its basketball games. If a player's action causes another player to "bleed forth from all pores," then a foul will be called; otherwise, his actions are to be rabidly applauded.

Bobby Knight will provide color commentary, with a particular emphasis on making disparaging remarks about the athletic ability and moral character of the players, coaches, referees, fans and himself. The former Indiana University coach will also be urged to throw chairs and strangle players, coaches, referees, fans and himself. Some of the league's new teams will include the Los Angeles Serial Killers, the New York Disembowelers and the Chicago Satan Worshipers.


Protective headgear, mouth guards and body padding will be prohibited--those things will be left to the "sissies" in the other hockey league, say XHL officials. While fighting will not be encouraged outright, the penalty box will be stocked with an unlimited supply of beer, a leather recliner and a wide selection of XXX videos.

Also, players will receive monetary bonuses for groin kicks, catching a slap shot with their teeth, and dragging a fan from the stands onto the ice and mercilessly pummeling him (or her). Some new teams include the St. Paul High-Stickers, the Hartford Eye-Gougers and the Baltimore Pancreas-Mashers.


This new league will explode the myth that golf is a silly and pointless game. It will do this primarily by replacing a regulation ball with one made of plastic explosives at some point during a tournament. Talk about pressure! League officials want to introduce the new wrinkle in "sudden death" rounds but are encountering some resistance from Senior XGA players and Amnesty International.

To further enhance their "X" factor, the XGA will also hide steel-tooth bear traps in the sand bunkers and let a man-eating tiger roam the links. The television audience will be able to track the tiger's "adventures" courtesy of the "Prowl-cam."

The X-Antiques Roadshow

Host Chris Jussel will be replaced by Marilyn Manson, who will be featured in the new segment "Appraise This." Folks who can authenticate a Windsor chair's pedigree will get an old-fashioned lap dance from the "Tiffany Lamp Girls." Among other locales, the show will broadcast from the Branch Davidian Compound in Waco, Texas, the Viper Room, and the House of the Amityville Horror.


The children's show will remain largely the same, except that the four cuddly 'tubbies will all breathe fire.


Frankly, to make it in the X-world, X-Em will have to tone it down. Accordingly, the rap singer will have his tattoos removed and will perform tear-jerking covers of "Mandy," "Wind Beneath My Wings" and "Davy Crockett" on Grammy night.


This isn't your father's auto club--it's your mean, drunk step-uncle's auto club. X-drivers with names like "Greasy Axel" and "Super Cam" will crush disabled cars with their monster tow trucks for easy stacking and higher profitability.


The upscale department store will launch a new, in-your-face style of marketing, the mantra of which is: The Customer Is Always Wrong. The lynch pin of the new sales philosophy is ridiculing the customer's choice in shoes, clothes and cologne/perfume until he or she agrees to buy a whole line of replacement products.

X-Peace Corps

Volunteers will focus less on crop development, building new schools and improving the local infrastructure, and more on teaching critical survival skills on our X-planet. Courses will be offered in feeling full on 25 calories a day, gaining proficiency with an M-70 rocket launcher and preventing Starbucks from opening a store in your remote village.


Times staff writer Roy Rivenburg contributed to this article.

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