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Laugh Lines

January 16, 2001

Pleading Ignorance: "George W. Bush's choice for Labor secretary--Linda Chavez--withdrew her nomination after allegations she had an illegal Guatemalan housekeeper. Bush distanced himself from the fiasco, claiming . . . he had never even heard of Guatemala." (Craig Kilborn)


The Essential David Letterman

Top 10 Things That Bill Clinton

Has to Do Before Leaving Office

10. Remove protective padding from underside of desk.

9. Tell post office where to forward the subpoenas.

8. Get gravy stains out of the Constitution.

7. Take down all the photos of him and Hillary pretending to be in love.

6. Pass new law: Every time the phrase "George W. Bush" appears in a document, Congress has to add the word "sucks."

5. Pack "World's Greatest Impeached Dad" mug.

4. Unchain despondent Al Gore from White House desk.

3. Change name to George W. Bush--get ready for four more years.

2. Take Air Force One over Ken Starr's house, empty the lavatory tank.

1. Shred like a hyperactive monkey.

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