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Commentary

Take These Mottoes, Please

April 08, 2002|DAVID MARTIN | Humorist David Martin is an Ottawa attorney.

When it comes to state mottoes, it's time for a change. Some are old. Some are boring. Some are even in Latin. Let's start fresh:

Maine: You can't get here from there.

New Hampshire: Live tax-free or die.

Vermont: Mountains 'R Us.

Pennsylvania: Amish 'R Us.

New York: Live rent-controlled or move.

Connecticut: New York's backyard.

Massachusetts: Kennedyland.

Rhode Island: We're not an island.

Delaware: We're not a brand of plates.

New Jersey: Fuggedaboutit.

Maryland: Washington's vestibule.

Virginia: Washington's bedroom.

West Virginia: Washington's outhouse.

South Carolina: Sorry about Strom Thurmond.

North Carolina: Sorry about Jesse Helms.

Tennessee: Sorry about Al Gore.

Florida: God's waiting room.

Mississippi: The poverty state.

Arkansas: At least we're not Mississippi.

Alabama: We're not just crackers anymore.

Georgia: We're not just pickups anymore.

Kentucky: We're not just inbred anymore.

Ohio: The almost-a-palindrome state.

Indiana: The not-quite-a-palindrome state.

Illinois: The should-be-a-palindrome state.

Michigan: The autoerotic state.

North Dakota: Not South Dakota.

South Dakota: Not North Dakota.

Minnesota: Not Canada.

Wisconsin: Not just cheese.

Iowa: Not just corn.

Missouri: Not just pigs.

Nebraska: Not just cattle.

Kansas: Not just wheat.

Oklahoma: Not just oil.

Louisiana: Not just corruption.

Texas: The double-wide state.

Nevada: The double-down state.

Utah: The double-spouse state.

Wyoming: The rectangular state.

Colorado: The other rectangular state.

Arizona: Sand 'n sun.

New Mexico: Geezers 'n guns.

California: The fine whine state.

Oregon: Live free and die.

Washington: The Microsoft state.

Idaho: Spuds 'n nuts

Montana: Just nuts.

Alaska: There's no place like Nome.

Hawaii: It's not the heat; it's the humidity.

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