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Legal Vengeance Is Mine, Saith the Lord Almighty

Commentary

April 21, 2002|DAVID MARTIN

After years of fruitless negotiations, God has been forced to take legal action against his most cherished creation: the human race. Apparently angered by countless negligent invocations of his name, the formerly all-caring Supreme Deity threw in the towel and chose the option of last resort. A statement of claim was filed in U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of New York, between God, a.k.a. Allah, Jehovah, Brahma, the Supreme Being (hereinafter "Plaintiff") vs. The Human Race.

Nature of Action:

Plaintiff brings this action against the inhabitants of the planet Earth for slander, negligent misrepresentation and breach of contract:

Whereas the leaders of those Defendants known as Roman Catholics have fraudulently invoked the Plaintiff's name in the defense of certain priests guilty of sexual misconduct with children.

And whereas certain adherents of the religion known as Islam have justified suicidal airplane and bombing attacks as being sanctioned by the Plaintiff.

And whereas certain followers of the Jewish faith have justified illegal settlements and military incursions in occupied territory by appealing to his name.

And whereas some devotees of Hinduism have justified arson and murder on behalf of the Plaintiff.

And whereas countless national leaders have claimed support from the Plaintiff for various wars, campaigns and aggressions.

And whereas most of the Defendants have breached their tenancy contract with the Plaintiff to care for their earthly premises and to abide by certain terms (see Schedule A--Golden Rule, Ten Commandments, et al.).

Now therefore:

The Plaintiff claims that the Defendants are guilty of slander, libel and negligent misrepresentation. Furthermore, the Defendants are guilty of breach of contract and landlord and tenant violations.

Wherefore the Plaintiff seeks specific damages in the amount of $2,324,000,000,000 for required repairs to the planet Earth as detailed in Schedule B.

Furthermore the Plaintiff seeks general damages in the amount of $3,435,000,000,000 for loss of reputation and punitive damages in the amount of $6,000,000,000,000 to dissuade Defendants from future violations.

Wherefore, the Plaintiff prays for (1) relief in the amount of $11,759,000,000,000, (2) an order in the nature of prohibition that the Defendants be prevented from invoking the Plaintiff's name or, in the alternative, (3) a declaration from this Honorable Court changing the Plaintiff's name to Larry.

If you fail to oppose this action, judgment may be given in your absence and without further notice to you.

Issued By: U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of New York

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Humorist David Martin is an Ottawa attorney.

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