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We Heard Him Exclaim, Ere He Drove Out of Sight: 'Off Dasher, Dancer!'

January 10, 2002|STEVE HARVEY

Rudolph the red-faced: The police log of the Los Alamitos News-Enterprise reported a complaint from a resident that someone had rearranged the two reindeer on her front lawn. She found them in an amorous position.

Risque Only in L.A.! Yes, in still another ruse to improve my ratings, this column is going tabloid today, as you can see from the above item, as well as the artwork (see accompanying).

I've got a scandalous story about Congress, spotted in a suburban newspaper by Irene DeBlasio of Studio City. There's also an X-rated salad (found by Michelle Pfister) and a bizarre sale (snapped by Dick Barnes).

And, of course, I have the requisite tabloid story about a medical operation performed on an extraterrestrial (from Clyde Flowers of Long Beach). If anyone tells you it was actually a story about liens in the L.A. Daily Journal, don't you believe it.

Kinky Hollywood: In our continuing study of unnatural cinematic family trees, Carol Covey points out that precocious Sean Connery (b. 1930) played the father of Dustin Hoffman (b. 1937) in "Family Business" and the pappy of Harrison Ford (b. 1942) in "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade."

Speaking of guys, Michael Schlesinger adds that "The Halliday Brand," a 1957 western, "starred a 52-year-old Joseph Cotten as the not-too-convincing son of 54-year-old Ward Bond."

In the sensitive mother-son area, Rick Mitchell notes that Ava Gardner (b. 1922) was (incredibly) the daughter of Lorne Greene (b. 1915) in "Earthquake."

And Nancy Painter chimes in with Angela Lansbury (b. 1925) playing the mom of Warren Beatty (b. 1937) in "All Fall Down."

Finally, Zeppo Marx (b. 1901) was the son of Groucho (b. 1890), his real-life brother, in "Horse Feathers."

No wonder Groucho, at one point, declares: "You have the brain of a 4-year-old child--and I bet he was glad to get rid of it."

The long claw of the law: I told you about the man who was arrested in Redondo Beach after he allegedly stole "a lobster from a restaurant tank [and] concealed it in his clothing. He was detained by employees before being arrested."

The suspect, who suffered no injuries, should consider himself lucky that he wasn't more greedy. An Ann Landers column recently carried a story about a thief who grabbed two lobsters from a tank in Bristol, England, "and shoved them in his trousers."

He was fleeing on foot when the liberated creatures suddenly pinched him in a very private place. The hangers-on had to be removed with pliers. A doctor said the thief will never become a father. "Basically," the medical man explained, "it was a do-it-yourself vasectomy."

miscelLAny:

After an item appeared here about a reported theft of a Plymouth "Viagra," some readers questioned my theory that the car must have been a Voyager.

OK, I agree that an Acura Vigor would seem a more likely candidate for such a mistake. As would a Suzuki Vitara. But I checked and the stolen car was indeed a Plymouth. So get off my case, will you? Gee, I don't know why I'm so crabby today.

Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LA-TIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A., 90012 and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.

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