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REGARDING MEDIA | RECALL MADNESS

How about asking these questions?

August 23, 2003|Roy Rivenburg | Times Staff Writer

Journalists are such dopes. After spending weeks complaining that Arnold Schwarzenegger was dodging serious interviews, what happens when they finally get him to hold a press conference? You guessed it, they "grill" him with silly questions about "the budget deficit" and "raising taxes."

They completely ignore the issues that voters really care about, such as:

* What's the deal with that big blue kryptonite ring you've been wearing? Is it true the stone weighs more than Gary Coleman?

* Isn't governor of California a step down after being Mr. Universe?

* In the movie "Junior," were you really pregnant or was that all done with special effects?

Quote translator

Before Gov. Gray Davis launched into his big speech at UCLA this week, aides promised he would be "speaking from the heart, not from the central processing unit embedded under his silver toupee." However, when we had a team of supermarket tabloid psychics review Davis' words, they detected some hidden messages.

Here's a look at what Davis actually said vs. what he was really thinking:

Davis: Thank you, my friends. Viva! Viva California!

Translation: That should lock up the Latino vote. Adios, Cruz!

Davis: What's happening here is part of an ongoing national effort to steal elections.... [It's a] right-wing power grab.

Translation: What's happening here is that Republicans have implanted a tracking device under my skin, and I'm being followed by black helicopters.

Davis: I am warming to this fight.

Translation: As I think about a possible gubernatorial debate with Angelyne and porn star Mary Carey, I feel a warm, tingly sensation.

Davis: I will soon appoint a distinguished commission of knowledgeable people to propose changes in our budget structure to avoid the wild fluctuations we've seen over the last four years.

Translation: Warren Buffett is already taken, but I'm pretty sure we can get Jimmy Buffett.

Little pink Corvette

Tragic news on the campaign trail this week: Billboard bimbo Angelyne was involved in a car crash near Ventura. She's OK, but her famous pink Corvette suffered major damage. Campaign consultant John Walsh said the car is in serious but stable condition at an undisclosed body shop.

Meanwhile, Angelyne has been forced to get around town in a bland rental. (Incredibly, Hertz and Avis don't have any pink autos.) Walsh said it might take two weeks for the Corvette to be nursed back to health, and Angelyne is beside herself: "This is the longest she's ever been separated from the car."

Late-night blotter

"Gallagher the comedian began his campaigning over the weekend. It didn't go too well. He kissed three babies and hit four people over the head with a giant hammer." (Jay Leno)

*

Senior advisor: Argus Hamilton. "Recall Madness" runs on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays in Calendar. E-mail comments or ideas to roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

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