SAN DIEGO — Let me begin by saying that if Matt Damon calls before noon Thursday, he will immediately be declared the winner of the Super Bowl/Bachelorette Contest, and he will receive a Super Bowl ticket to join my daughter in Qualcomm Stadium next Sunday.
If for some reason Damon is fearful of meeting the parents, then this is the Super Bowl/Bachelorette proposal: I will give a $400 Super Bowl ticket to the person who can successfully answer the quiz below and then agree to accompany the daughter, her roommate and her roommate's boyfriend to the big game with the understanding he will also be asked to protect all three should the Oakland Raiders and their fans also be in attendance.
To pick the winner, two Super Bowl/Bachelorette finalists will be asked to come to The Times on Friday morning for inspection and to view a taping of ESPN's "Around the Horn." The first one to get visibly sick will be declared the winner, and receive the ticket.
NOW AS to your first concern -- this is not the daughter who settled for a Grocery Store Bagger and who is favored to defeat Kobe Bryant in a three-point shooting contest. This other kid, 26, does not have an athletic bone in her body, and so you've probably already guessed -- yes -- she's an accountant.
A word of caution: I have been to more than 20 Super Bowls and I know the embarrassing, painful and degrading lengths some people have gone to in order to win Super Bowl tickets, and this could be worse.
This will mean spending four or five hours with an opinionated, sarcastic Notre Dame grad wearing a Brian Griese Denver Bronco jersey who had the guts recently to write Staples Center boss Tim Leiweke inquiring if there are any open jobs in the Anschutz sporting world when her own father has done nothing but pummel Leiweke in print.
"How would I know that?" she said. "I don't read that garbage."
You can see why she isn't married yet.
NOW I know some of you are familiar with the reality TV shows, Joe Millionaire and Elim-a-date or whatever, but there will be no hot tub action here -- because the daughter takes after her mother.
The ideal candidate will take into consideration he is joining three accountants for the day, so the first hour or two will be dull, but the excitement of the Super Bowl, the pregame activities, the national anthem and roaring planes overhead should help fill the dead time.
I was kind of hoping the brothers-in-law, Bubba I, Bubba II and Bubba III, would be around to meet the winner and impress upon him the importance of treating their niece with respect, but ever since Southwest Airlines put that restriction in that you have to buy two seats if you're too big to sit in one they don't travel much.
The whole idea behind this giveaway is to find a male (25 to 35, 5 feet 9 or taller with the potential to be wealthy) who has a great sense of humor and who just wants the thrill of attending a Super Bowl in exchange for eventually marrying the kid.
Now I know this is the only way anyone now playing for the San Diego Chargers is ever going to get to a Super Bowl, and I apologize to the Mission Bay Shrimp for the height requirements. But the daughter is 5-9, slender, medium-length brown hair, looks more like her mother than her father, has four eyes if you count the glasses, can look like an accountant and can also look like Audrey Hepburn, the Audrey Hepburn while she was still alive.
THE FOLLOWING quiz is to be answered by e-mail and will help determine the two finalists: Please include age, sex and occupation. (Latest pay stub optional.)
Question 1: Who do you want to win the Super Bowl? Will you be wearing spikes, handcuffs or an eye patch to the game?
Question 2: What was the last book you read? Have you ever read a book? (One more attempt to eliminate Raider fans.)
Question 3: Lou Holtz had a list of 100 things to accomplish; what's your top three?
Question 4: What movie would you see over and over again?
Question 5: What should Tiger Woods have done in regards to the Masters controversy?
Some things to keep in mind:
Grocery store baggers need not apply.
Must be single/unattached. If Matt Damon is attached, an exception will be made.
Winner will be expected to behave at the game or read about it.
Winner can be on his best behavior and still expect to read about it.
It will not be necessary for Matt Damon to take the quiz.
If no one worthy emerges from applicant pool, USC alumni will be considered.
TODAY'S LAST word comes in e-mail sent to Sport Chalet, and copied to columnist "you know who":
"I am writing this with a heavy heart since I have been a longtime Sport Chalet customer.... The alumni from [USC] are beginning to protest the unfair columns in the once-proud Los Angeles Times by columnist [you know who], who for some unknown reason harbors a fear or dislike of [USC].... Today various USC-affiliated Web sites are calling for boycotts of any companies who advertise on [you know who's] page. Unfortunately, you are among those advertisers. I will no longer buy goods from your stores ... until [you know who] is either fired or muzzled or somehow wakes up to become a real reporter.... "
Despite the high volume of interest in Page 2 with so many people looking to see when (you know who) might be muzzled, fired or somehow wake up, I'm happy to report The Times has no plans to raise advertising rates for that page.
T.J. Simers can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.