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Women are from Venus? To Venus he'll go

For a guy who wants to be on the winning team, switching sides makes a lot of sense. Does that pantsuit make him look fat?

June 27, 2003|Jim Shea | Hartford Courant

I'm thinking about going transsexual.

This move is something all men should be considering. Mind you, I'm not contemplating any hormone stuff or permanent alterations. Nor am I going to get into wearing different undergarments.

My transformation will be strictly superficial -- hair, makeup, maybe some killer pumps -- just enough to allow me to play for the other team.

The reason for this lifestyle change is professional flexibility.

It's sort of similar to the rationale behind the old Woody Allen joke that being bisexual doubles your chances of having a date on Saturday night.

Women are taking over.

Men are becoming obsolete.

I have been suspecting this for a while.

I forget exactly when, but one day it dawned on me that everyone who bosses me around on a regular basis, including the four top editors in my gulag, is a woman.

This suspicion was further affirmed in a column in a recent issue of U.S. News & World Report, which noted:

"From kindergarten to grad school, girls now outperform boys in grades, admissions, student government and extracurricular activities.... Women are rapidly closing the MD and PhD gap and make up almost half of law students."

In other words, they're making their move.

If that kind of news doesn't get a guy up off the couch and out looking for pantsuits and pearls, perhaps this little exercise will. Grab a pad and pencil, and make a list of all the things women need men for. Here's what I came up with:

* Killing spiders.

* Heavy lifting.

* Opening jars.

* Talking to car mechanics.

* Checking out late-night noises.

* Answering the question: Does this make me look fat?

* And explaining the infield fly rule.

You may have noticed my list does not include sex. This is because there are apparently alternatives to men in this regard that don't require the woman to engage in any "When Harry Met Sally" histrionics.

Men need to begin adjusting to this new reality, and they need to start doing so now.

Bridging the gender gap is going to involve more than just becoming a pretty face. It's not something you can do overnight.

There are certain nuances that must be learned, certain social skills that must be mastered. Like conversation.

When women gather in groups, they have this weird way of communicating. Instead of interrupting and talking over each other, they listen. I know this seems like a strange way to interact, but it's the way they do things.

Anyhow, I've got to run. Like the bumper sticker I just put on my car says:

When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.

*

Jim Shea is a columnist for the Courant, a Tribune company.

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