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STYLE & CULTURE | RECALL MADNESS

Get a read on debate

September 26, 2003|Roy Rivenburg | Times Staff Writer

Our crack team of second-rate psychics is back to help you interpret Wednesday's gubernatorial debate. Here's their analysis of what the candidates said versus what they were really thinking. For equal time purposes, we also threw in a few quotes from Gray Davis, who was too busy with his "Pretending to Connect with Californians Tour" to attend.

Cruz Bustamante: As a government, we spent more than was coming in. [But] I have a plan that I call "Tough Love for California."

Translation: Let me give you an example of my budgetary tough love. In 1999, according to the San Francisco Chronicle, I ordered a California Highway Patrol cruiser to drive 354 miles round-trip from Sacramento to Fresno just to deliver me two ceremonial pens and a nicer copy of an emergency proclamation I had to sign while Davis was out of state.

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Peter Camejo: Look, if you made a poll right now and asked people what your income level is between right- and left-handed, we all know it would be about the same, or education level.

Translation: You are getting sleepy, sleepy. As I drone on, you will fall into a deep sleep. Then, when I snap my fingers, you will wake up and vote Camejo.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger: Excuse me, Arianna.

Translation: I have come from the future to make you shut up.

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Arianna Huffington: Let's see who can talk louder in a foreign accent, all right?

Translation: New York is where I'd rather stay. I get allergic smelling hay. I just adore a penthouse view. Dahling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue.

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Schwarzenegger: Arianna, let me say one thing. Your personal income tax has the biggest loophole. I can drive my Hummer through it.

Translation: I could also crush everyone up here with just my pinkie.

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Moderator: I'd like to admonish the candidates very politely. Because we're supposed to stay on topic.

Translation: I'd like to bring Gallagher out here and have him smash your heads like watermelons.

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Davis: We have people from every planet on the Earth in this state.

Translation: Driver's licenses for space aliens!

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Tom McClintock: In the last four years, inflation and population combined has grown 21%. Our revenues are up 25%.... The problem is, we have a 38% increase in state spending in that same period of time. We haven't gotten a 38% increase in highway construction and school construction.

Translation: If a train leaves Philadelphia traveling 62 mph, and another train leaves St. Louis traveling 78 mph ...

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Huffington: We don't have a colorblind society when people can get into Yale with a C average just because their daddy went there, like our president did.

Translation: Oh, wait, were we supposed to be talking about California issues? I forgot. I thought I was back on Bill Maher's show.

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Moderator: I've thought of something to make this a whole lot more controversial in the area of health care.

Translation: How does everyone feel about making Arianna's primary health-care physician be Jack Kevorkian?

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Davis: I won the election fair and square in November.

Translation: Having a recall just a few months after my victory is unfair to the prison guards' union, Indian casinos and other special interests that bought me off. They deserve a better return on their investment. Vote no on the recall so I can continue selling out this great state of ours.

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Moderator: Pardon me, I'm getting mixed up here. I'm going to have to lower my meds.

Translation: I picked the wrong day to stop sniffing glue!

The Little Green Vote

In electrifying political news, space aliens have endorsed Schwarzenegger for governor. According to the nation's most trusted supermarket tabloid, Weekly World News, an extraterrestrial named T'rel pledged unwavering UFO support after a secret three-hour meeting with the candidate in Los Angeles.

"Arnold is a perfect specimen of humanity -- mentally and physically superior to the average Earthman," T'rel said.

The space aliens have a flawless track record in politics, having endorsed Bill Clinton's presidential bid in 1992 and George W. Bush in 2000.

Alleged Gov. Davis was reportedly "blown away" by the news and "sulked for hours" afterward. He had pandered shamelessly for the crucial extraterrestrial vote, promising to allow space aliens to have California driver's licenses.

But his affiliation with Clinton apparently cost him. As Weekly World News explains, a space creature named P'Lod has been having a steamy affair with Hillary Clinton, and "it's no secret that P'Lod and Bill Clinton are bitter love rivals."

In a recent interview with Jay Leno, Sen. Clinton insisted her relationship with P'Lod was strictly platonic. "I had to go to some event in Washington and I invited him to accompany me," she said. "He puts aside his busy intergalactic business to go to the Kennedy Center with me and ... now he's held up to ridicule. It really is so unfair."

However, the Weekly World News claims Bill was so jealous that he and P'Lod had "a highly publicized fistfight just a few weeks ago." In retaliation, the aliens snubbed Clinton protege Davis and threw their backing to Schwarzenegger.

Many political veterans believe that could swing the election. "Schwarzenegger is already creaming his opponents in the highly regarded Taco Bell poll -- and with Jackie Stallone's psychic dogs forecasting his victory, I'd say the fat lady has sung," crowed one GOP strategist.

But a Democratic pollster disagreed: "It might look grim now, but if Davis can pick up an endorsement from Elvis or Bigfoot, he could still turn things around."

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Late-night blotter

Jon Stewart, commenting on Davis' boast that California hasn't had any power blackouts during the last two years: "So that's what passes muster for political accomplishments? Hail me, because you do not live in darkness and your water is reasonably potable!"

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