Ceremony Had Much More Than the Bare Necessities

The gods, or at least that Eros dude, would be pleased.

As for the rest of us, well, what the heck? It was hot, it was late and little Michael Phelps was already in bed.

As our own deity John Travolta once sang, Greece is the word.

The folks here pulled off an opening ceremony that was humble in its welcome, bold in its history and surprising in its ending.

All this, and it was safe. Nobody got hurt, unless you count the tape burns suffered by the women of Uzbekistan, who marched while wearing what appeared to be fancy gift wrap.

In front of 72,000 folks at Olympic Stadium, the evening began with a warmup comedian pretending to hammer one last nail, a perfect joke for a place that looks like a new suburban home where the owner hasn't yet paid for the landscaping.

Dirt in the front yard. Earth movers in the driveway. Yet all was forgotten when a centaur showed up in the living room.

The first half of the creature was a man, the back end was a horse, which pretty much describes a couple of last year's Lakers, but this guy threw a javelin.

From centaur to uncensored, a nude torso floated above the infield, followed by an almost-naked man running on a suspended box, and where was one of those New England Patriots to tackle him?

Then came the parade of posing, fighting, completely immodest human statues. We thought they would be simply carrying spears. We had no idea they would be Britney Spears.

But it was all very smart, very cool, and we'll not complain, because smack in the middle of the parade, Hercules covered the spread against the Hydra.

After a typically endless parade of nations in fast-food uniforms -- the Barbados folks chose early McDonald's -- the wackiest trick was saved for the end.

That was when the caldron was lighted by another, um, statue.

His name is Nikolaos Kaklamanakis, and no offense, but he's a, a, windsurfer.

That's right, a guy who doesn't even run was asked to scale the traditionally steep stairs to ignite the ultimate flame.

This being Greece, I guess we're lucky he didn't first use his torch to light a quick cigarette. But he did seem out of breath. Kaklamanakis is not only the first windsurfer to fulfill this almost-sacred duty, but he might also be the first guy to do it after finishing sixth in the last Olympics.