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Make No Mistake, Your Leader Will Never Rest in the War on Terraces

August 23, 2004|Ryan Craig | Ryan Craig is a writer in Venice, Calif.

Overheard somewhere on the campaign trail:

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Thank you for coming to this invitation-only event. Dick Cheney and I are grateful for your support.

I want to talk to you today about those who want to deprive us of our liberty and way of life through violence and fear. You know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about terraces.

This administration has made fighting terraces our No. 1 priority to keep America safe. My national security team has told me that terraces not only produce violence and fear, but also fancy decorative plants with foreign-sounding names, which are not consistent with our values.

Yesterday in Ohio I spoke to a man who said he enjoys sitting on terraces. I told him to keep up the good work. We must all do our part to keep them immobile. We can't afford to let down our guard. Terraces are a problem found in our own backyards. Some of you told me you don't have a backyard. I think this is wrong. Thanks to the tax cuts I signed into law, more Americans than ever can afford backyards.

Some people say there are simply too many terraces, that we can't win this war. It's true that there are also lots of terraces in old European countries like France and Germany. But many of our newer allies, like Poland, don't have this problem. My father, the former president, says it has something to do with Soviet construction.

Sen. John McCain has told me he has no use for terraces. I was glad to hear it. He said it's too hot in Arizona. I told him, "John, I know wars can get hot. That's why I won't rest until we've won the war on terraces."

As I see it, the choice in this election is clear. For example, the media reported that my opponent has several terraces. His wife enjoys terraces in five languages. I take a different approach. As far as I know, there are no terraces at the ranch in Crawford, just a lot of brush that needs to be cleared. Dick told me he took care of the one terrace he knew of in Wyoming. I thanked him for the superb job he is doing.

My opponent has also raised questions about our strategy in going into Iraq. I am so happy to be able to tell you that there are now far fewer terraces in Iraq than there were under Saddam Hussein. Mission accomplished.

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