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I command thee: Stop it!

June 17, 2004|Tim Sanchez

Ben Stiller, this is God speaking.

In the last six years, you've appeared in 20 feature films and shown up in only-I-know-how-many TV shows.

We've seen you play a brawny numskull in "Zoolander." A crime-fighting dork in "Starsky & Hutch." A loser assistant in "Zero Effect."

You've got a gift, Ben, and you showed it to the world playing Mr. Uptight in "There's Something About Mary," "The Royal Tenenbaums," "Meet the Parents" and "Flirting With Disaster." But then you squandered it in "Along Came Polly," "Envy," "Duplex" and "Mystery Men." And now, for the love of Me, there's a new Stiller comedy of the week, "Dodgeball."

Yet another film about an inarticulate loser? This time, one named White Goodman who throws a ball around with a bunch of dinks trying to save a gym?

Ben, you leave Me no choice. I command you to stop with retro-themed movies, dumb wigs, polyester wardrobes and dopey smirks. Me and my people have had it with the cliches. I'm not sure who deserves my wrath more at this point, you or the Wayans brothers.

I know, I know. You have two more movies coming out this year, "Meet the Fockers" and "Sledge." That will make it six for 2004 alone. Have you no mercy, Ben? Have you no life? You're currently filming three more.

Enough already. Even I took a day off.

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