Gimme That New-Time Religion -- a Play-Doh Jesus

I don't want to read anything else, hear anything else or feel anything else about "The Passion of the Christ." There are just so many things not to like. First there is the violence. The relentless phlomp! pholomp! of bullets bashing bodies in "The Matrix" or on prime-time "Alias" is so much more appealing than watching a bleeding, brutalized man for almost two hours.

Mel Gibson's is violence you actually have to confront and feel as opposed to the hither-thither of rapid-edit, thrill-sized THX digital with CGI enhancements. I hate that. It is so much more appealing when scores of nameless, soulless, faceless forms are being splattered everywhere. That makes the violence so much less personal and more entertaining. Slaughter, after all, should be lighthearted.

The biggest problem I have with "The Passion," however, isn't the violence. It is with the protagonist. The guy on the screen is nothing like that insipid, tunic-wearing, lamb-carrying, two-dimensional, felt-faced Jesus from Sunday school. That Jesus was easy. He could be molded and crafted like Play-Doh into anything I -- or anyone else -- wanted from him. That Jesus, for instance, would certainly support faith-based charities partnering with the government. He would happily support a balanced budget amendment, increased defense spending and welfare reform. He would definitely be against gay marriage because heterosexual marriage was his top priority -- it says so right there ... in, well, somewhere. It has been easy for a lot of us to make our own personalized Jesus because he -- the Play-Doh one -- had no soul and certainly posed no threat.

Just look at money. He surely talked about it a lot. But from what I've seen and heard from virtually all the churches I've ever attended, Jesus was less into serving the poor than polishing the BMW. Maybe that's why one church recently decided to spend almost $100 million building an even-more-mega-than-mega church building in the safety of the 'burbs.

It is clearly why he's given my family so many material blessings. Yes, indeed, when I get stressed by things like "The Passion," I can just go outside, put the top down on our beautiful convertible and let some of the pressure off. That $5,000 cruise to Bermuda? Jesus would be all over it. Praise God.