I THOUGHT BEING A JEW was going to carry me. But after two seasons of making sitcom pilots that didn't land on the fall schedule, I needed a new religion to further my Hollywood career. I was going to have to choose between Scientology and Kabbalah.
Scientology not only has some really big celebrities involved -- Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Beck, Juliette Lewis, Doug E. Fresh, Anne Archer, Jenna Elfman, Chick Corea, Isaac Hayes, Giovanni Ribisi, Jason Lee, Kirstie Alley -- but it's conveniently located at the bottom of my street in a building called "the Celebrity Centre." The only way Kabbalah was going to be able to compete with that was if it had a place in my backyard called the "Network Development Executive Centre."
Plus, on Sundays, the Scientologists have a $25 brunch open to anyone. I fell in love with Scientology before I even walked in the door. Because the building has free valet parking. I like a religion that doesn't nickel and dime you to death. Somebody had learned something from 16th century Rome.
Any nervousness I had was dispelled as I walked by a woman playing "You've Got a Friend" on a piano in the center's gardens, where happy families ate surprisingly good croissants, awesome smoked salmon and great sausages around the fountain. None of them was a celebrity. I figured they were pre-celebrities. Though, to be honest, I can get that at the Apple Pan.
As I was walking around the center, reading about the myriad accomplishments of L. Ron Hubbard (screenwriter, explorer, horticulturalist), a helpful guide asked if I wanted to see a short movie about Scientology. Knowing that short films are the best way to pick a religion, I headed to the screening room.
It was, I am sad to say, one of the worst films I have ever seen. And it was not short. And though my very nice guide warned me that the end of the movie would be scary, I was unprepared when the host in the film walked up to the camera, the music turned intense and he said: "You could walk out of those doors and never mention Scientology again. But that would be very stupid. You could also dive off a bridge or blow your brains out." If Tom Cruise really cares about Scientology, he will remake this movie immediately.
Still, one bad film is not a good reason to reject a religion. If it were, I would have quit Judaism after "Shadows and Fog."
