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THEATER | EXCERPTS

Injustice in the trappings of 'Romance'

October 02, 2005

On judicial power

Judge: Is there a limit on my power? Pal? You don't want to know.

Prosecutor: Your Honor, I have a family situation ...

Judge: First time I have a mother and her kid. Dad didn't want to pay child support. The mother starts to cry. A more experienced man would have imposed some, some, what are they called ...?

Bailiff: Judicial penalty.

Judge: Hey, you should be doing this job. On the guy. I sent the kid to jail.

Prosecutor: For what?

Judge: I don't need a reason; all's I need's this little hammer here.... N' I'm gone use it till the batteries run out.

(Judge looks around)

Where is it?

All day I'm thinking: what can I do next? I'm limited, though, see, by, uh, by ...

Defense Attorney: ... by The Law?

Judge: Yeah, where's my little hammer?

On Shakespeare

Defendant: Aha, and why don't you like Shakespeare ... ? Because he was a Jew.

Bailiff: He was a Jew?

Defendant: You bet your boots.

Prosecutor: But that's preposterous.

Defendant: Is it?

Prosecutor: Yes.

Judge: Why is it preposterous?

Defendant: Why is it preposterous?

Prosecutor: It is preposterous because ... because ...

Defendant: I'm waiting.

Prosecutor: Because Shakespeare was not a Jew.

Judge: What was he?

Prosecutor: What was he?

Defendant: Yeah.

Prosecutor: He ... was a Christian.

Defendant: No Christian can write that good.

On Mideast peace

Judge: I had a dream the other night. Of a clean land, untroubled by pollution. Untroubled by strife. With liberty and with compassion for all its citizens. A land administered by people of good faith and self-respect, which stood as an Example To The Nations. Which reached out to them. And stilled their torment with aid: with food, with medicine, with love and understanding.

Defense Attorney: ... Your Honor ...

Judge: And then this Dinosaur came by and stomped everybody into moosh. (Pause)

Defense Attorney: ... Your Honor ...

Judge: I think he came from Japan.

Defense Attorney: There exists ...

Judge: I believe his size was the result of nuclear testing.

Defense Attorney: ... the possibility of bringing peace to the Middle East.

Judge: But I don't remember how the dinosaur got there in the first place.

Prosecutor: He was a lizard, begging Your Honor's pardon, from the Pet Shop.

Judge: ... what was he doing in my dream?

Prosecutor: It wasn't a dream, it was a movie.

Defense Attorney: ... Your Honor ...

Judge: It was a movie?

Prosecutor: Yes, Your Honor.

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