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Saddam just needs a little L.A. justice

October 21, 2005|Bill Maher | BILL MAHER is the host of HBO's "Real Time with Bill Maher."

SADDAM HUSSEIN'S trial must be moved to L.A.

We are dying out here for our next big celebrity court case. Local news stations are so bored, they've resorted to reporting real news. Besides, how can the guy nicknamed "The Butcher of Baghdad" get a fair trial in Baghdad? He didn't just taint the jury pool -- he gassed it.

So, whadda ya say, Saddam? Who doesn't want to have their trial in L.A.? It's always sunny, our juries are stupid, and you get to show up to court in your pajamas. And unlike Iraq, we have good lawyers. In Baghdad, they'll say you gassed the Kurds, but that's not the way it'll come out when Tom Mesereau or Bob Shapiro is representing you.

No, what happened is, you had your WMD with you that night at an Italian restaurant. In the Valley. Where you were dining with the Kurds. Who you love. You forgot the weapons after dinner, went to retrieve them and when you returned, the Kurds were already gassed. I mean, we're talking about the genocide of thousands of people here -- don't you think Kato Kaelin would have heard something?

Saddam, in Hollywood, nobody commits "crimes against humanity" -- that's what a personal assistant is for. You can enter a plea of insanity based on how messed up your hair is in your mug shot.

I say, if he's from Tikrit, you must acquit! In L.A. we can give this murderous thug the predictable but jaw-dropping "not guilty" verdict and get this man back to work.

People, really, we tried in Iraq, we really did, but sometimes a country just needs a daddy. OK, an abusive father. Hannibal Lecter. The point is, yes, Iraq was a bad place under Hussein, but let's not throw the baby out with the Baathists. The man's had time to think. Maybe he has -- dare I say it -- grown. What's wrong with giving a sick, twisted, unhinged megalomaniac a second chance? HBO did it for me.

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