WHEN I met Amy, I thought she was "the one."
Our freshman year of high school, we did everything together, ate our Yoplait and celery stick lunches together, helped each other apply what I'm now sure was unflattering orange-hued concealer, we even got busted shoplifting together -- the ultimate in teenage, female bonding. I invited her over to my house, despite the fact that my mother displayed an embarrassing collection of bird figurines and was generally not wearing pants. She admitted to a creepy crush on our woodshop teacher.
We were misfits that clung to each other in a "buddy system" of social survival.
On Halloween night, however, I got dumped.
She called to say she was sick and couldn't get together, but I could hear voices in the background. She was seeing another best friend behind my back. I spent the evening waiting for trick-or-treaters in my farmer's daughter outfit, tears smearing my painted-on freckles. Sad, I know. But girlfriend breakups are all too common.
If there's a woman who hasn't been divorced by at least one good female friend, I haven't met her.
And here's the thing: Friend breakups don't end in high school. I had a major girlfriend divorce just a couple years ago. I was so crushed I needed several (extra) therapy sessions to work through it. I fantasized that she would take me back and we could have long talks and drink martinis at Pinot like we used to. I still have to dodge an entire chain of yoga studios where I might run into her.
When a girlfriend dumps you, it can be just as painful as a romantic breakup. In some cases, it's worse. No one rallies around you with invitations and empathic looks; your mom doesn't fly into town to make sure you're eating. There are no wrenching songs about a friend not returning your calls. In fact, it's likely that you won't even mention it to most people. For one thing, girl breakups tend to be gradual and murky, so you might not know exactly when it's happening. For another, it's a bonanza of shame.
If a guy drops you, those in your circle are likely to blame him -- he was juvenile, "not growing spiritually," irresponsible, or just not ready for you, the best thing that ever happened to him. If a girlfriend gives you the heave-ho, the suspicion exists that it was you, that you were draining, self-absorbed or just intensely annoying, all of which is about as becoming as a badly lighted amateur sex tape. Which brings me to Paris Hilton.
