It won't come as much of a surprise to learn that "Date Movie," which Fox declined to screen in advance for critics, doesn't play well in the theater -- at least not on a Friday morning in Glendale with three people in the audience. Maybe if the theater had been packed with freshly concussed, oxygen-deprived teens on drugs, the scene might have been slightly less funereal. But I doubt it. The teens would have had to be conversant in every rom-com and vomedy produced since 1989 to get the full effect, and it seems unlikely you could gather all those characteristics in a single kid.
Directed by Aaron Seltzer and written by Jason Friedberg & Seltzer, who wrote "Scary Movie," "Date Movie" stars poor, plucky Alyson Hannigan as a Bridget Jones/Nia Vardalos type in Gwyneth Paltrow's fat suit from "Shallow Hal." At her black-Indian-Japanese-Jewish-Greek family diner, she meets and falls in love with a Hugh Grant type (Adam Campbell) called -- you'll never guess what -- Grant Fonckyerdoder.
After a visit to Hitch, the date doctor, and a "Pimp My Ride"-style makeover and liposuction session, she and Grant get together on "The Bachelor" and slog through a string of references to "The Wedding Planner," "Meet the Parents," "Meet the Fockers," "My Best Friend's Wedding" and that commercial where Paris Hilton seduces a hamburger, then eats it.