Minute by Minute, Life Rolls by When You're Bumper to Bumper on the 405

Were you one of the lucky ones -- traveling the San Diego Freeway on Thursday afternoon, heading into or out of Orange County and just being grateful to live in the splendor of Southern California?

Me too.

Then, of course, came our discovery on that fateful afternoon: A big rig had gone crazy on the freeway in Long Beach, resulting in lane closures in both directions. As best I can recall, here's how my trek from Costa Mesa to Long Beach went.

5:45 p.m. Pretending to take bathroom break, I sneak out to my car and head for Long Beach. An estimated 25-minute drive, I factor in rush hour and add another 20 minutes in order to make 6:30 p.m. rendezvous in Belmont Shore area.

5:47 p.m. Enter freeway near Euclid Street ramp and assess bumper-to-bumper traffic with cool detachment, knowing it is typical for that time of day and that it will soon open up.

5:53 p.m. Cleverly guide car past gaggle of drivers before making deft move into a middle lane and enhanced freeway position. Compliment self on driving prowess.

6:02 p.m. Begin wondering why traffic isn't moving at normal rate. In fact, notice it isn't moving at all and that I have yet to reach Beach Boulevard just three exits ahead.

6:12 p.m. Engage self in discussion about whether to roll down windows or turn on air-conditioning. Discussion turns into raging debate, and, growing angry with self, unfairly bring up old grievances.

6:19 p.m. Not having cleared Orange County, realize 6:30 rendezvous now in jeopardy. Realize necessary to call friends on cell to tell them I'll be late.

6:19:01 p.m. Realize I don't have a cell phone.

6:21 p.m. Tune in radio traffic report and learn that backup extends from Bellflower Boulevard in Long Beach to Jamboree Road in Orange County. Quickly compute that am in middle of DMZ -- Don't Move Zone.

6:33 p.m. Grow increasingly irritated at car that has been alongside me for last 25 minutes. Driver keeps looking over and nodding politely.

6:42 p.m. Approaching one-hour mark, must think clearly: Stay on 405 or divert to surface streets. Or, as an increasingly attractive option, return home and tell friends next day that I forgot all about the plans. Incredibly difficult set of ethical and navigational factors. Decide to do what's best for me: I roll up windows and let out ear-piercing scream.