Los Matadoritos

But all of that paled before the spectacle itself, which indeed began with the gray-felt-skirted, broad-sombreroed women of the escaramuza (Spanish for "skirmish"), a competitive trick-riding sport akin to an elaborate equestrian ballet or Busby Berkeley choreography. As a palate cleanser between acts, a figure in a yellow chicken suit threw candy into the stands, the assembled children following him back and forth in tight arcs like a roulette ball being gamed by a croupier.

Suddenly the midgets took the field, wearing modified Dalmatian-print jumpsuits of the kind favored by male strippers, with their considerable guts jiggling. "Man tits! Man tits!" chanted the gringo parishioners, led by their on-air spiritual advisor. The midgets quickly stripped down to tiny pink Speedos, the contents of which briefly silenced their newfound fan base. This was followed by skits, musical numbers, musical numbers in drag, more synchronized stripping and a host of jokes that left one quadrant of the audience notably mystified. Eventually, they released the bull, or whatever they were calling it. It wasn't really a bull--it teetered on spindly legs, and you could count its ribs from the upper deck--but it was a fair-sized calf, with 6-inch horns and a problem disposition.

One by one, the mini-Manoletes engaged the baby bull in ritual public humiliation: roping and riding it backward, dancing with it upright, crawling underneath it (it summarily peed on them) and taunting it with a bright red capelet. After one or two good passes, the bull knocked down one of the matadoritos, and then, to add insult to injury, stood on his capelet. Two makeshift picadors swept in from the sides and diverted the would-be bull's attention with the aid of plastic hammers. I was put in mind of my favorite capsule review from Leonard Maltin's eponymous movie guide, for the David Cronenberg horror film "The Brood": "[Samantha] Eggar eats her own afterbirth while midget clones beat grandparents and lovely young schoolteachers to death with mallets. It's a big, wide, wonderful world we live in."

Following each altercation, another midget limped from the arena, and the field risked disappearing through sheer attrition. Finally, one last defender unsheathed a plastic sword and squared off against the cartoon bull, now snorting and pawing the ground, expelling cartoon steam from its nostrils. For his trouble, he was butted a third of the way across the arena before being flipped over the bull's head. He called it off then and there and was rescued by one of the charros, the full-size career cowboys on horseback. This effectively ended the competition. Final score: Bull 6, Midgets 0.