Saving us from terrorism, one T-shirt seller at a time

"You know, we could have you sent up to Boston for the unresolved T-shirt infractions," Malik said. "But what we're holding you for is an NYPD bench warrant from 2004. You were in a fight with a parking attendant, found not guilty and then missed a court date." All true. But how and why does Homeland Security share the NYPD's jurisdiction in cases unrelated to counter-terrorism? A fight over a parking space hardly counts as terrorism.

"We're calling NYPD to come to pick you up," Malik told me, without asking a single question about Pakistan, terrorism, Islam or madrasas.

So I sat and waited. Four DHS officers working two cases -- a Senegalese guy who was caught with $100,000 in a suitcase and mine -- couldn't even get the NYPD on the phone. A debate then broke out among Malik, his co-worker and their boss about how to call the NYPD. Six hours later, the DHS still hadn't gotten word from the NYPD. A shift change was coming up, and officers aren't allowed to leave until finishing all their cases.

Instead of protecting the homeland from such a dangerous T-shirt-selling, off-road-rager like me, Malik set me free, so he could get home in time to watch Mike and the Mad Dog ("Eh, is Pedro pitchin' tonight?" I overheard an officer ask). As he closed out my paperwork, Malik asked, "So, ah, Mr. LeMoine, why did you miss that court date anyway?"

"I was in Iraq."

"Doing what? Like a contractor, soldier?"

"No. I had volunteered to run a humanitarian program for the Coalition Provisional Authority but left when they started killing Westerners."

"Damn terrorists. Take care of that warrant. And welcome home."

Welcome home indeed.

Homeland Security, the $40-billion-a-year agency set up to combat terrorism after 9/11, has been given universal jurisdiction and can hold anyone on Earth for crimes unrelated to national security -- even me for a court date I missed while I was in Iraq helping America deter terror -- without asking what I had been doing in Pakistan among Islamic extremists the agency is designated to stop. Instead, some of its actions are erasing the lines of jurisdiction between local police and the federal state, scarily bringing the words "police" and "state" closer together. As long as we allow Homeland Security to act like a Keystone Stasi, terrorism will continue to win in destroying our freedom.