Red carpet bombing

The Rivers women, Joan and Melissa, have been busted to the TV Guide Channel, where they have to do their snarky shtick squashed into a horizontally split screen while listings for Japanese anime and celebrity poker shows roll queasily below them.

Comic Kathy Griffin got sent back down to the minors for joking about a 10-year-old actress going into rehab.

And Isaac Mizrahi, the gay fashion designer, was unrepentant after committing what sure looked to me like misdemeanor battery on live TV at the Golden Globes, squeezing one actress' breasts and asking another about her nether hair. But the academy has let it be known that anyone who misbehaves on Sunday will be called on the carpet, not reporting from it next year.

Given the attrition rate, it's time to start auditioning. So bring on the bloviating boys (and girls), with sequins:

Wolf Blitzer: " 'The Situation Room' is. Here on the. Red carpet. And joining us is. David Strathairn. Star. Of 'Good Night, and Good Luck.' Congratulations. How does it feel? Portraying my idol, Ed Murrow. Who, like me. Reported from a war zone."

Greta Van Susteren: "Michelle Williams, nominated for best supporting actress in 'Brokeback Mountain,' you're on the red carpet, and on the record with Greta Van Susteren. Is that a Monique Lhuillier you're wearing? I bought my Lhuillier when I returned from Aruba, where I hosted my latest special on Natalee Holloway, who disappeared into a sinister nightmare on that island paradise about 280 shows ago. And Michelle, I have to tell you -- there's a great movie in the Natalee Holloway tragedy, and since your character in 'Dawson's Creek' died in the end, you'd be perfect to play Natalee in

Nancy Grace: "Don't you dare, Greta Van Susteren. Don't you dare presume to speak for Natalee or her family. I'm a victim of violent crime myself, because my fiance was murdered, and if anybody should have a role in 'The Natalee Holloway Story,' it's me."

Bill O'Reilly: "Welcome, Felicity Huffman, to the first 'No-Spin Zone' at the Oscars. I wanna know who you're wearing, but first I wanna know -- who are you? You're nominated for best actress in 'Transamerica,' but hey -- should it have been best actor? C'mon, no spin here -- give it to us straight.

You and the academy and your husband here, William H. Macy, all say you're a woman. I say -- maybe not. We'll have to agree to disagree."