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A whole new ballgame

April 01, 2007|Teddy Wayne / Illustrations by Adam McCauley

Higher out-of-glove costs:

"Baseball Fever" will no longer be covered by most HMOs.

Who needs 'em?

From July, the season is aborted and played out in a simulated fantasy league.

He's in it to win:

Ralph Nader insists on appearing on this year's All-Star ballot.

Say hi to Jack Nicholson:

Unruly fans will be promptly escorted to nearest NBA game.

No Barry Bonds jokes:

Automatic steroid injectors on second base will be removed.

The double-knits were tacky:

Uniforms to be designed by "Project Runaway" champ.

Alberto, who's warming up?

Bullpen phones wiretapped under the Patriot Act.

Three hours of dead air:

Announcers forbidden to use cliches like "throwing heat," "a walk's as good as a hit" or "going, going, gone."

BMI is not a baseball stat:

In a nod to the obesity epidemic, the Wave to be replaced by the Mildly Spirited Raising of Beers and Hot Dogs.

I guess now we'll just have to call them liars:

Anti-discrimination legislation prohibits fans from referring to inaccurate umpires as "blind."

We're No. 18! We're No. 18!

To help foster literacy, former No. 1 foam fingers must now correspond to the United States' international education ranking.

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