Friday night in Vegas never looked so bad. I simply wanted to get to the Stratosphere, just four miles from the Mandalay Bay. But after almost an hour sitting in my rental car, I found myself longing for the rush-hour crush of the southbound 405. At least that moves.
Instead, I sat marooned in a sea of red taillights.
Traffic, and how to avoid it, has become an obsession for Vegas regulars and residents -- the Las Vegas Review-Journal runs a popular weekly Road Warrior column -- and for the visiting Angeleno, it's insult upon injury, especially considering how hard it is just to get here.
With seemingly perpetual highway construction between Baker and Barstow, the traditional four-hour car trip from L.A. can now stretch easily to six or more, and if you're thinking of flying, what once was a simple 50-minute flight can now be an hours-long ordeal.
As for the city itself, with several multibillion-dollar building projects underway and overall growth continuing, there's no relief in sight.
The Strip, of course, is where the traffic jams the worst. On any given night, it is wall-to-wall autos, and with mega-watt car stereos booming and half-gassed co-eds leaning through moon roofs of rented limos, challenged by legions of inebriated pedestrians dashing across the boulevard, it almost seems as if getting somewhere is really not the point.
Unless, of course, you're trying to get to a poker tournament on time as I was. So, to make sure I'd never sit in traffic like this again, I met with a couple of locals who really know the city. It was an easy conversation; the subject's seemingly on everyone's mind.
"When Vegas was formed in 1905, the railroad promised to immediately pave the first five blocks on Fremont Street," historian Michael Green said over a lunch (to which I arrived 45 minutes late). "That took 20 years. Since then things have gotten no better."
We sat down at the Bahama Breeze at Flamingo and Paradise roads and were joined by Geoff Schumacher, author of "Sun, Sin and Suburbia: An Essential History of Modern Las Vegas."
"For those of us who live here, it's easy. You do everything humanly possible to avoid the Strip," Schumacher said. "Though there are times, midweek, very early in the morning or very, very late at night, when it's actually possible to take a wonderful, leisurely drive down one of the greatest streets in the world. But those are very brief windows."
Indeed, my most memorable, unobstructed, almost lyrical cruise down Las Vegas Boulevard took place four years ago precisely at 4:40 a.m. on a Thursday.
But what do you do if you've come to Vegas to have some fun during one of the other 23 hours of the day? Here's a quick guide to navigating the Strip:
If you're in your own car, make sure to do some map-reading before you step on the gas. Do it Frank's way and stay off the Strip -- even to get up and down the Strip.
Frank Sinatra Drive runs behind the casinos, parallel to the Strip and just a long block to the west. It gives you direct back-lot entrance to Mandalay Bay, Luxor and Monte Carlo. Yes, there's also a Dean Martin Way (which is just a fancy new name for what Las Vegans know as Industrial Road) one more block over, and that too is a smart way to move north and south. Just be careful not to get detoured into one of the many lap-dance clubs.
On the eastern side of the Strip, stick to Koval Lane, Paradise Road or Maryland Parkway to move up and down. "When it comes time to cut over to the Strip," Green says, "the farther north you are the better. Try Oakey street or even Sahara."
To the south, the major east-west cutovers are Flamingo and Tropicana, and if you insist on using them, Trop is slightly better, but just barely. If you're in Vegas on business, do what local drivers do and hop on the Desert Inn Road Super Arterial, which dives under the Strip and zips you across town.
And if you have any reason to want to take the local freeways, be forewarned: The thrills of the Interstate 15 and U.S. 95 intersection, lovingly referred to as the spaghetti bowl (and not to be confused with that other headache, the "Henderson Spaghetti Bowl," a.k.a. the "Henderson pretzel") are rivaled only by the 1,000-foot high roller coaster at the Stratosphere. Only this one moves at a snail's pace. Consider packing the audio version of "War and Peace."
Don't do it. Last month, it took me 90 minutes from the time I boarded the airport shuttle until I drove out of the rental car lot. Then you have to learn all the navigation tips above. If you must, buy the fuel option because you'll probably burn an entire tank just in the jammed traffic between the Paris and the Sahara.
As Robert De Niro said in "Casino," don't be a "momo" and slum it by using self-parking. Hotel valet service is the best deal in Vegas. It's free except for a tip of a buck or two.