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THE BIG FIX

How to get from here to there. A bus with a view? A monorail? Your own two feet?

Smush the city together

December 27, 2007|Matt Selman | Matt Selman is a writer for "The Simpsons."

You know how there are two San Vicente Boulevards in L.A.? Weird, right? One San Vicente curves to form the southeastern border of Brentwood, and the other San Vicente cuts largely diagonally from Sunset and Doheny to Venice and La Brea. Here's what I would do: Get rid of everything between the two San Vicentes. Then smush the city together, filling the gap.

Yep, the solution to all our of city's ills is a very, very, very big "Mad fold-in."

Think of the benefits. You can now get from the good western parts of town (Santa Monica, Venice) to the good eastern parts (West Hollywood, Los Feliz, Silver Lake) much more quickly. How many times have you been driving from one side of the city to the other and thought, "Am I still only in Westwood?"

Another benefit: Lose Westwood. Heck, lose all of West L.A. What would be missed? The worst part of the 405? So-called Millionaire's Row? The talent agencies? Face it, West L.A. is an obvious cut. In a city famous for its ugly stretches of road, that chunk of Santa Monica Boulevard is one ugly stretch of road. Kiss it goodbye. Don't worry -- there's another Zankou Chicken in Hollywood.

What about Beverly Hills? No worries -- we sell it to Dubai. Dubai will love Beverly Hills -- their whole country looks like the jewelry counter at Bulgari. (Confidentially, I already have an offer. A big offer.) And we use that money to clean the bay, hire shock troops to enforce the leaf-blower ban, buy an NFL team (I'm thinking the Patriots) and force everyone to take driving lessons. Utopia.

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