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With him ... or against him?

June 02, 2007

Kobe, Kobe, Kobe, Kobe, Kobe, Kobe, Kobe, Kobe, Kobe, Kobe, Kobe, Kobe, Kobe, Kobe, Kobe, Kobe, Kobe, Kobe, Kobe, Kobe, Kobe, Kobe, Kobe, Kobe.

There. Enough already?


Woodland Hills


Kobe should stop watching the playoffs. It's just getting him upset.


Santa Monica


How did the world get turned so upside down? In reality, shouldn't it be Jerry Buss and Mitch Kupchak talking to the media about how they have to trade Kobe Bryant because he's unable to help them bring a championship to Los Angeles?


San Luis Obispo


Never mind trying to find out who was responsible for trading Shaq. Who is the genius responsible for advising Kobe to complain in public to the media instead of communicating in private with the Lakers' owner and general manager? Must be someone in Lindsay Lohan's entourage.


Santa Monica


OK, Kobe, we believe you! Each time.

Stay? Go? Fight? Surrender? Rebuild? Yeah, I'm feeling dizzy and discouraged too. But then again, I don't have $88.6 million to buy aspirin like you do.

Jerry ain't coming West. And The Times' "Fantasy Laker GM" has cut everyone but Jeanie and the Laker Girls. So then, let's make you the GM. Kobe, given the salary cap and the upcoming draft, what exactly would you do? I've watched you score 81 points with three defenders in your grill. It would be a more amazing feat to see you juggle next season's roster with the salary cap.

When you figure it out, because I know you will, please call me and let me know which sports radio talk show I should tune in to hear your thoughts.


El Segundo


After single-handedly dismantling a Lakers dynasty over the course of his career, Kobe wants -- no, demands -- to be traded. The Lakers have bent over backward to coddle this spoiled brat through many unconscionable, idiotic actions. Including: the forced trade of Shaq, a rape trial, forcing Phil Jackson to quit, forcing Jerry West to quit.

Good, trade him somewhere nice like Toronto or Philly. I'd certainly like to be Mrs. Bryant's jeweler right about now.




Haiku for Kobe:

Forgive Colorado,

Sellout crowds chant M-V-P,

Kobe's an ingrate.


Los Angeles


Trade Kobe? Are you kidding? He's the only one left in the Lakers organization with a heartbeat. Jerry (I don't mean West), it's time to sell the franchise to someone who wants to live up to what the Lakers have taken decades to build.

Magic is worth enough money to buy the franchise. Magic plus Jerry West plus Kobe equal championships and restoring the proud tradition of the Lakers. Jerry Buss, get out of the bar and back to business.




Just in case no one noticed, LeBron James, with a supporting cast not any better than Kobe's, is one win away from an Eastern Conference title.

Trade the bum.


Los Angeles


I know how Mitch Kupchak can prove himself to be a shrewd general manager: Trade himself to the Memphis Grizzlies for Jerry West.


San Diego


Front or back? Or back to the future? Kobe's right in demanding that the Lakers bring Jerry West back, but why bring him back in the front office? Why not in the backcourt? Even at the advanced age of 69, he can probably still hit the jumper and he's sure to ring up more assists than Kobe.


Playa del Rey


The owner of the team is arrested for DUI in the company of a female 51 years his junior ...

The owner's son (and de facto team president) openly criticizes the head coach on a radio interview ...

The owner's daughter has a personal relationship with the head coach ...

The head coach openly criticizes his players to the media ...

The star player is calling out the front office for misleading him and saying he wouldn't mind being traded ...

And I thought the Chargers were the most dysfunctional team in Southern California.


Simi Valley


"A Few Good Players" as portrayed by Gen. Jerry Buss (Jack Nicholson) and Lakers Fans (Tom Cruise).

Lakers Fans/Cruise: "General Buss, it appears you had absolutely no intention of immediately building a quality team of comparable skilled players around the defendant, one Kobe Bean Bryant. Is that true?"

Gen. Buss/Nicholson: "That's not true. I did what I thought was best for the team."

LF: "Hmmm. Well, then why would you pass on such established players as Carlos Boozer, Baron Davis, Ron Artest, Jason Kidd, and others too numerous to mention?"

GB: "I already told you. I did what's best for the team!"

LF: "So, you basically lied and told Kobe Bryant what he wanted to hear."

GB: "Look son! You have no idea what it takes to run a multimillion-dollar sports franchise. There's an arena to fill, payrolls to meet, exorbitant player salaries to pay, trade deadlines, injuries. Little spoiled snotty-nosed punks like you have no idea. So back off!"

LF: "Did you lie to Kobe Bryant?!"

GB: "I gave you my answer."

LF: "I want the truth!"

GB: "You can't handle the truth!!!"

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