All right, who drove Jerry Buss to drink?
His son? His daughter? His star player?
Did someone tell him Smush Parker wants to return?
I'll tell you this, because I just know you're going to ask, the young lady in the car with Buss when he was arrested for allegedly driving under the influence was old enough to drive.
I can also report that her first name was not Paris or Lindsay.
Buss was released from jail around 10:30 a.m., which is probably the earliest he's been up in some time.
Given one call, I wonder which Laker Girl got it.
It's probably a good thing it wasn't Mitch Kupchak being arrested because the way things are going, every Lakers fan would be suggesting today that they just throw the key away.
CRAZY, CRAZY times in Lakerland, what with the Kobester now making the rounds on local radio and sounding more and more like Jeff from Tarzana with every call he makes. I wouldn't be surprised if he starts phoning in to Dodgers postgame talk.
The Kobester, a sympathetic figure on most radio shows because they want him back, began the afternoon with John Ireland and Steve Mason on 710.
"How are you holding up?" Mason began, and I thought maybe someone had stolen all of the Kobester's money or something really tragic had hit someone close to him.
But as it turned out, he's just stuck with crummy teammates, a crummy GM and he feels as if he was duped when he had the chance to sign with the Clippers.
He said he stayed with the Lakers because Jerry Buss told him the team had a plan to build a championship team right away -- only to learn "just recently" the team really had a long-range plan.
Hard to believe someone who just isn't very believable.
He just figured out recently that the Lakers weren't championship worthy three years ago? Two years ago? A year ago?
"Hearing that promise is something that really swayed me," the Kobester said, along with the fact the Lakers could pay him more than the Clippers or the Bulls at the time.
He also went on with Petros Papadakis and Matt Smith on 570, and Papadakis told the Kobester, "I was captain of a college football team."
Smith mentioned something about "Barney the dinosaur," and that seemed to be the Kobester's cue to start talking about Shaquille O'Neal.
"I can't wait to get into all the Shaq stuff," the Kobester said, a little late to the party if you ask me, but he said, "Now I got some serious trust issues," and I'll bet he does.
He said a Lakers insider was quoted in The Times saying he ran Shaq out of town when it was Jerry Buss' decision to trade Shaq. And he wanted everyone to know that it wasn't him. Now you know why the morning father/daughter radio show with Fred Roggin doesn't take calls. You get a caller like this, droning on and on about how the world revolves around him, and everyone in the studio just starts rolling their eyes.
If I have anything to do with it, we'll never have the Kobester on the air.
Now I've already read all kinds of things the Kobester has had to say, and coupled with the statement coming out of Memphis a few days ago, it's tough to say who is more two-faced these days, the Kobester or Jerry West.
If West is as good a friend as he says he is to Kupchak, he makes it crystal clear right now he will never work for the Lakers again in any capacity.
No matter how West spins it -- consultant, part-time GM, or whatever -- if he returns to the Lakers, he feeds the prevailing public perception that Kupchak is not up to it as Lakers GM.
More on that inaccurate prevailing public opinion in a moment.
The Kobester told The Times earlier that he's really frustrated and wants changes made in personnel unless West returns. Then, he said, "I can roll with that, even if we don't have the complete turnaround we're hoping to have this summer."
If the Kobester is insisting on changes, but said it will be enough for him if West rejoins the Lakers -- say what? Is the Kobester looking for a shoulder to cry on or a point guard who can play?
I'm beginning to wonder whether West is Dennis Rodman's Jack Haley when it comes to the Kobester.
The Kobester's courtship of West, of course, is just more Kupchak bashing. When the Kobester said that West "wants to win and he wants to win right now," how does that make West any different than Kupchak?
Did West want to win and win now while working in Memphis in charge of the team that finished with the worst record in basketball this season?
WHEN HE'S not sauced, and it's important to point out that Jerry Buss has been sober every time that he's talked about Kupchak, he's always praised him.
As Lakers fans go, though, Kupchak is the fall guy.
This week the Kobester piled on, sounding like a Lakers yahoo trying to win Vic the Brick's favor when he said somewhat disingenuously he couldn't understand how Carlos Boozer, Baron Davis and Ron Artest got away from the Lakers. Davis had a medical problem, Artest is now Sacramento's problem and Boozer never did get traded.
Every team in every sport can put together a list of deals never made for a variety of reasons. Check out the Angels.
But once the Kobester got finished making it clear his teammates were at fault for not getting the Lakers deeper into the playoffs, saying on one of the radio shows, "enough is enough," he turned to the deals that weren't made to bury Kupchak and to boost West's chances of returning.
It's pretty nasty stuff, but it beats reading about hockey and it's just the kind of garbage you'd expect to hear from some crazy sports fan calling a talk show to give his opinions.
\o7T.J. Simers can be reached at email@example.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.