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Shattered as a lover and a spy

The World | COLUMN ONE

He wanted to battle the Chinese communists and savor a young romance. Instead, the man's fate was to be years of prison, loneliness and heartache.

May 31, 2007|Ching-Ching Ni | Times Staff Writer

Xiao did not want to open the emotional floodgates in front of her colleagues, so she asked Kan to go home with her during her lunch break. They talked cordially, almost as strangers. She showed him pictures of her husband and young son. He kissed her gently on the cheek; she didn't resist. He kept telling her how sorry he was. She kept saying, don't blame yourself.

Before the hour was up, he stepped out into the pouring rain.

Eventually, she would send him a letter telling him that the day he finally came to her, she had wanted to break down in his arms. She would tell him that she had waited for him for 17 years. When her minders told her to find another man, she replied, "If I can't be with Kan, let me stay in prison."

She gave up the year she turned 43; her husband was a fellow counterrevolutionary, a kind man who cared for her when she fell ill in the camp.

Reading that letter, dated May 16, 1985, gives him the chills. It's the only thing he has of hers, and it hurts him to even look at it -- he burned most of the other letters she wrote after that because they were so painful to keep around.

The past fills him with remorse and sorrow, but he hasn't given up the hope that she might still be his.

"She suffered so much because of me," said Kan, wiping his forehead and glasses with a cotton handkerchief and picking up the frayed, slightly yellowed pages of the letters he kept. "I should have found her sooner."

*

chingching.ni@latimes.com

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