It's amateur hour chez Michelin

Eric GREENSPAN, chef-owner of the Foundry, "learned from El Bulli disciplines in Spain." At Chameau, you can "end your Moroccan respite with a Spanish Muscatel." (Why would you want to end a respite? And why did we need one?) At Water Grill, diners "can drop anchor" and "the chef's busy brigade creates swells of satisfaction." The writing makes the Zagat guide look like "Ulysses."

If the anonymous "inspectors" who bestowed the stars had actual criteria for anointing some chefs and dissing others (they're not spelled out), it's not apparent in the restaurant descriptions. The terse European guides simply provide symbols and list signature dishes, but the L.A. edition's entries read like little puff pieces. At Giorgio Baldi, the chef "pulls out all the stops. . . . A whole roasted lobster . . . is a case study in rustic perfection." Here's Royale: "This fancy setting raises expectations that are not disappointed."

The entries, from A to Z, leave the impression that the writers don't know ponzu from pesto. At Wilshire, "There's no mistaking the components of diver scallops seared in clarified butter and served with creamy roasted fingerlings and spicy chorizo." (Bravo!) The chef there, we're told, is Warren Schwartz. (Whoops! He's chef at Whist; Christopher Blobaum is Wilshire's chef-owner.) Why does Tre Venezie deserve a star? Because the dishes "are not based on thick tomato sauces, olive oil and basil as they are elsewhere."

And Asian cooking? It seems to be beyond the comprehension of Michelin.

Japanese food gets respect but little understanding. Here's an excerpt from the listing for Mori Sushi, which gets one star: "This, as chef/owner Morihiro Onodera asserts, is a sushi restaurant, serving only fish and vegetables." (On Mori Sushi's website, you'll read this: "Mori Sushi is a sushi restaurant. We do not buy any ingredients besides fish and vegetables.")

Regarding Urasawa, which gets two stars, we're told: "Sushi placed atop warm rice mixed with grated wasabi must be eaten within ten seconds."

Meanwhile, just four Chinese restaurants -- Empress Pavilion, Mr. Chow, Yang Chow and Yujean Kang's -- are included. As for Thai, Michelin includes three: Cholada, Saladang Song and Talesai. It's enough to make you cry.

The book is filled with errors (La Cachette is not open Sundays; Yabu does not serve California cuisine; the Lobster is not new, it's more than 8 years old), omissions (if you're going to give Spago two stars, it might be worth mentioning that the chef is Lee Hefter) and weirdnesses (inclusion of the Stinking Rose).