Thank you Jive Records, MTV, Clear Channel and members of Congress for the opportunity to present my assessment of Britney Spears' career. Which, according to nearly every objective metric, is going completely, totally awesome.
Sure, progress made over the last few months has been uneven -- the number of Star magazine "not normal" incidents is still disturbingly high -- but we are hitting most of our major benchmarks. To wit, not only has there not been one single divorce this year, there also haven't been any marriages, significantly curtailing the assessed threat of divorce.
In recent months, despite brutal summer heat, we have achieved progress in the underwear-wearing arena. Shoe wearing in public bathrooms is up 38%, while T-shirt messages with the phrase "baby daddy" are down 46%. Hair regrowth objectives are being met, and recent advances in wig and hair extension technology have proved surprisingly effective. Conducting sensitive negotiations directly in the field, we have been increasingly able to get Ms. Spears to wear just the blond wig instead of switching between the black and blond ones, which has provided a force-multiplier effect on public credibility.
While Ms. Spears' weight is not yet at pre-Federline levels, we think we will be able to achieve minimum BMI by next spring. We have gained the initiative on Ms. Spears' McDonald's consumption by wresting fast-food eating sanctuaries -- most notably the automatic windows lock on her SUV -- from her control. I'd also like to direct you to this chart, showing the 99 billion served meals not consumed by Ms. Spears.
As shown by this other chart, public approval of Ms. Spears is up roughly 1 trillion percent over this time last year, though to properly explain the methodology would require one of those nerdy laser-pointer thingies Al Gore uses, so you'll just have to trust me.
The recent performance at the MTV Video Music Awards vastly exceeded initial projections of awesomeness. Not only did the few dancing moves she executed get her heart rate up to 145 -- prime fat-burning range -- but Ms. Spears did not fall or cry. Though the time lapse between recorded music and lip sync was off by an average of 2.5 seconds, this was a vast improvement over the House of Blues tour, where the average was actually forever, because she didn't know the words to her new song. Though she still hasn't memorized the lyrics -- which, for the record, are "gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme" -- she now mouths other words in its place, some of which clearly do involve giving her things.
