In this case, talking may be better than snooping

Dear Amy: A neighbor has a 12-year-old daughter who was the victim of female bullies in elementary school. The neighbor told me that she looks at her daughter’s text messages.

She says she has the “right” as a parent to do so. Of course, the daughter doesn’t know. The mother also goes through the daughter’s dresser drawers when she is putting clean clothes away.

I told her that I thought she was wrong and that through good communication you can find out what your kids are thinking. Am I wrong?

EJ in Indiana

Dear EJ: Good parenting is situational. Because your neighbor’s daughter was a victim of bullying in elementary school, her daughter might be vulnerable. I can understand a parent’s choice to check text messages, but the daughter should be told that the messages she sends and receives aren’t private. Texts can be forwarded and passed around. The girl should understand that her text messages could be shared and read. If parents have serious questions about a child’s ability to handle a cellphone with texting, that is a good argument for a child’s not having one.

I agree with you that parents shouldn’t snoop through their children’s things unless there are serious suspicions, but it’s naive to think that parents can ever really know what their kids are thinking.

Dear Amy: I was disturbed by your response to “Devastated Mother,” who knew about her son’s extramarital affair and wondered whether to tell her daughter-in-law.

To advise the mother to give her son a week to tell or else she would is just wrong. It is not fair to put that poor woman in that position. This is between the husband and wife.

I was in a similar scenario. I wished my mother-in-law had come to my defense and put her son in his place, but I knew in my heart that this was her son and her allegiance was to him, as my family’s is to me. I took the high road and did not put her or anyone else in the middle.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: I agree with you that a third party’s choosing to disclose an affair is difficult. But “Devastated Mother’s” son was sharing the details with her, and she felt extremely uncomfortable knowing about the affair when her daughter-in-law did not. I urged her to try to force the issue by giving her son a deadline whereby he would face this with his wife.

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