As you know, Joe Torre asked Manny Ramirez to cut his hair, but I have this hunch it will never happen.
Torre disagrees, so now one of us will be making a charitable donation.
If Ramirez returns to Dodger Stadium a week from today to open the team's next home stand with all his hair, Torre said he would make a donation to Mattel Children's Hospital at UCLA.
As part of the deal, Torre agrees he will say nothing more to Ramirez about his hair, believing Ramirez heard him the first time they talked.
If Ramirez shows up to Dodger Stadium without the dreads, Page 2 will make a donation to the Joe Torre Safe at Home Foundation.
As part of the deal, of course, I will say nothing more to Ramirez about his hair.
But just between you and me, who is Torre kidding?
You think he's going to bench Ramirez because the guy doesn't get his hair cut?
You think if he fines him it will make a difference, Ramirez knowing he's not getting paid by the Dodgers, so there's no money to take out of his pay?
You think the Red Sox are going to take it out of his pay, and do a favor for the former Yankees manager?
I haven't come up with a nickname for Torre yet, but Delilah is under strong consideration.
Right now the Dodgers have Samson batting cleanup, and it's just a fact, if he cuts his hair -- he loses his strength and becomes Juan Pierre.
I mention the jawbone of an ass, and I would imagine Gary Matthews is a little nervous about what I might write next, but it's just what Samson was swinging when he was hitting everything out of sight.
"Manny's helped us win two games and who knows how many more," Derek Lowe says, and yet Delilah's thinking clippers, and that's what the Dodgers will be, all right, without Samson.
Now I know this is a big deal to some people, Frank from Santa Barbara e-mailing every day asking when Torre is going to "be a man of principle" and insist on Ramirez following his grooming rules.
My response: "Why so worried about a guy's hair?"
And Frank replies, "If you look at Ramirez, and don't know and like it, no way I can help you. No wonder I don't like you."
He looks fine to me touching all the bases, the Predator as far as the Diamondbacks are concerned, and I don't know how anyone could have more fun at the ballpark than the last few days.
The dreads are part of the package, the attitude infectious, and while that might wear off, no reason to cut any of it short prematurely.
I wouldn't be surprised if the Parking Lot Attendant doesn't start growing some dreads as giddy as he must be, getting a guy he doesn't have to pay while making millions from ticket and merchandise sales off him.
You think he wants Delilah messing with his cash cow?
A few years back the Dodgers were selling "Game Over" T-shirts complete with fuzz balls to account for Eric Gagne's goatee. How long before they start selling Dodger caps with dreads hanging from the back of them?
Now I'm the last guy to say any of this to Ramirez because of the agreement with Torre to let this play out this week, but no way should he listen to Delilah.
You see how short Andruw Jones' hair is?
BEFORE THE game, and before I talked to Torre and we came to terms on our charitable donation, Ramirez talked about his hair and said, "Next year when I get it cut I might get a Mohawk."
He didn't say, "next week."
THE DODGERS sent someone to the left-field pavilion on Saturday night to retrieve the first Dodgers home run hit by Ramirez so he might have a memento.
A youngster agreed to surrender it in exchange for a ball autographed by Ramirez and 16 tickets to a Dodgers game.
The Dodgers complied -- the coincidence amazing. Ramirez made national news recently when he pushed the Red Sox's traveling secretary to the ground after a dispute involving tickets he wanted for his family.
Ramirez had asked for 16 tickets.
WAIT UNTIL the Parking Lot Attendant finds out he's missing the chance to make more money.
The Dodgers are selling Ramirez blue T-shirts for $29, authentic Ramirez jerseys for $285, but they are not selling them in the gift shop outside the stadium suites -- where the big money in Dodger Stadium resides.
"The store is too small," said an employee, the solution obvious -- move the rack of Jones jerseys into storage.
THE DODGERS play it loudly at every game, caring little about their fans' comfort -- that annoying Universal Studios "Are we there yet? No. Are we there yet? No. Are we there yet?" Simpsons commercial.
Why would anyone go to such a place after being reminded they're going to spend the entire day with their kids?
WHEN RAMIREZ homered Sunday, the crowd chanting, "Manny, Manny," he gave them a brief wave with his helmet. But then he got a shove from Russell Martin, who told him to go up the dugout steps and take a bow.
"You heard all this stuff about him being nervous coming to a new league and having to make adjustments," Martin said with a grin. "I think he's going to be fine."
IT'S ALMOST gone unnoticed in the Manny mania, Casey Blake, the other guy the Dodgers acquired in a recent trade, hitting .364 so far. I asked him, though, why he seemed to be so boring and nondescript.
He said he was from Iowa, which explained everything.
T.J. Simers can be reached at email@example.com. To read previous
columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.