"As we march through September in hopes of a long stay in October," Sonny & Cher coo, "we are filled with gratitude that these men have become a team . . . "
Stop, you're killing me. Pierre spends most of his time with the opposition before a game, while Kent spends most of his time with himself. There are old players on one side of the room, the others at the kiddies' table in the lunch room.
Before concluding that the McCourts are some kind of joke, the letter goes on to a second page with talk of community service, alumni appearances and autographs -- the McCourts declining to take credit for keeping the unwashed from mixing with the rich folk.
Then comes the big finish, the comic duo's thanks to everyone for being such a good audience while passing the hat at the same time.
"To help illustrate that appreciation, we are inviting you to renew your commitment and renew your faith without an increase in price," they write.
Apparently, it's not good enough to renew your faith in the Dogs after two decades of misery; it must also be your commitment.
"While we must continue to grow our revenues to compete with our opponents," the letter continues, which suggests a ticket increase for everyone else is in the making, "we are inviting you to renew your ticket plan for 2009 at 2008 prices."
There have been reports the McCourts are short on cash, and now comes word they want some money for 2009 season tickets before the 2008 season is over. OK, so right now it looks as if it's over.
A spokesman for the Dogs said ticket holders are being asked to put down as little as $250 a ticket by Sept. 5, so maybe the Screaming Meanie just needs a new dress.
As you know, they seem to get honored a lot at fancy dinners by organizations who apparently have run out of folks to honor.
"Whether you enjoy the warmth of sun-filled days or the majestic feel of enchanted evenings," Frank & Jamie conclude, and please, if you're going to be sick -- step outside, "we want to make this home your house of happiness."
Well, let me tell you about the majestic feel of this enchanted evening, Cristian Guzman hitting for the cycle against the Dogs, the Nationals winning, 11-2, in their house of happiness and the team with the worst record in baseball sweeping our modern Boys of Summer.
Badum-bum!
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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.
